Faith

Never Mind, I'll Find Someone Like You

2012-01-19T00:38:00.002+08:00

Why why why do we have to go through such annoying times. Why why why can't things be less complicated. Why why why can't you be less sensitive. Why why why can't I be more sensitive. Ugh. Hate the way things are and yet there's not a darn thing I can do about it.

I wonder if you feel the same way as I do about this retarded separation. I wonder how are you feeling now. I wonder if you ever think of me when the lights are all off and your phone's not longer vibrating. I wonder if you ever look at the places we frequent and remember us there. I wonder if you're reading this right now...

Agree To Disagree

2011-12-27T04:26:00.001+08:00

I've never actually truly believed the whole "if-you're-happy-then-so-am-I" theory. Definitely mentioned it before here but it was most probably a product of too much nonsensical rantings... Anyhow, I just found out it's actually plausible in this odd and yet calming way. That knowledge appears to have reassured me that what I did was right and helps me to cope with the fact that you're no longer a part of my life. That being said, I wonder if it's a crutch, a weak excuse that I'm subconsciously employing to make myself forget what we were before. It would be tonnes easier to let the memories fade like the print on old newspapers; quietly, quiescent, contemplative fading.

We both don't know where this is headed. We both don't know if maintaining this relationship is ultimately beneficial and enjoyable. We both don't know if any of us will change. So much uncertainty and I can't stand it. Feel like just putting my foot down and say, enough is enough, and erase everything in the similar way one deletes information from one's computer. Methodically, systematically, monotonously. Then I would be certain that this chapter of my life has ended, and thus, I must move on. And I will. But in reality, nothing is quite as clear cut. I suppose this uncertainty makes us think and consider options so very carefully, separating us from the other living things which act on instinct and automatic reflexes honed as reactions to specific circumstances.

So back to the point, I hate being stuck at such crossroads. And yet, I'm feeling vaguely and oddly comforted by the knowledge that you're traversing happily along the railways of life, even without me, and even without the certainty that our paths might cross again.

Weird huh? To top it off, it's only been slightly over a day since we went our separate ways. Hmmm.

//UPDATED
And btw, I think it's bloody amusing that bitching gets me soooooo much more hits than proper posts e.g. the one on Adelyn Hosehbo. One bitchy post and traffic here goes up 250% (Y) Maybe that's what Xiaxue's blog thrives on; bitchiness, non-conformism and confrontations. Of course, I'm not discounting or ignoring the various other posts through which she has dealt with more serious issues. I'm just saying that people appear to be more inclined towards that which is politically incorrect and unconventional, despite knowing that is frowned upon by society! But oh well, suit yourself, people. Someone has to provide the entertainment!

Finito

2011-12-25T01:54:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!!
"Tis the season to be jolly", but unfortunately I can't find it in myself to be jolly.. Might be the lack of parties, people and causes for merriment. Don't get me wrong; it's not that I've forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. I know it's Jesus' earthly birthday and His Birth marks the potentiality of salvation for the whole world. That aside, it's been a wonderfully dreary Christmas with lots of rain, arguments, tears and broken relationships. It'll definitely be a Christmas to remember, in a bad way I suppose. To top it off, T's on his way to Toronto to celebrate Christmas with his extended family. Grrrr. I'd book a flight there to spend Christmas with him if only I wouldn't impose on the family in any way. Ugh. Usually I actually like being alone, but I suppose not during such a happy season. But who am I to say, it's only been an hour or 2 into Christmas (gotta be up by 8am to get my butt to church) so not much Christmas-y activities yet eh?

Well, it's unfortunate, to say the least, and I hate being right. Swear I do. Sometimes I just want people and circumstances to prove me wrong. And I'm very disheartened to say that it is ALWAYS the sceptical, cynical and pragmatic me that is right. So this world is nothing but harsh realities and inevitably harsh conclusions? Moving away from you is what I chose to do then and what I should have carried through. Instead, I let my emotions and sentimentality override the objectivity of my decision. If I had carried through my decision then, we wouldn't be in this state. Now, I have to remake the same decision again, only this time, it's a million times harder. But I will, grit my teeth, hold my head high and carry it through this time, because I have no intention of subjecting myself, and even you, to such harrowing decisions, emotions and circumstances.

Thanks for the memories, dude :') They're gonna have to last me for quite a while till I forget about you.

"We're meant to lose people around us, Benjamin. How else would we know how much they mean to us?"
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Your Insecurities Will Consume You

2011-12-20T00:54:00.001+08:00

There's a pretty high chance that you'll be reading this since you're so concerned about what I do, who I go out with, why I do what I do. So read closely.

Screw you. Stay out of my life, firstly. Frankly, it's none of your business. Who are you? To me, you're just this miniscule, traumatised and ridiculously insecure person who's on the way to destroying what you have with S. You're very very lucky to have S. so you better treasure it, and wake up, and see that the only threat to your relationship, is you and your damn insecurities.

Secondly, let me assure you that your worrying and fretting is completely unnecessary, an unfortunate product of your overly-emotional state that's pretty irrational. If I had wanted to, you'd be gone from S' life, just like that. No kidding you. After all, I've definitely known S for a much longer period of time than you and it's safe to say i hold as much, or even more sway than you do. But you mean the world to S, and I don't actually desire to see S' heart break. ~~I could, but I'm not going to, at least for now.~~

So quit imposing your ridiculous and contradicting standards on S, and maybe, your relationship might have a better chance of lasting the year. Stop being such a terribly insecure baby. If you haven't recovered from your previous "injuries", so to speak, have more sense to ensure complete recovery before you embark on another journey with all that excess baggage which will ultimately drag you and S down.

I don't hate you, per se, just extremely annoyed by your imposition of stupid expectations on S that don't make logical sense, which has impacts on me as well. I'm also pissed because these idiotic expectations always put S in a spot, with me always giving in to your expectations. I've had enough of being restricted for stupid reasons, and enough of seeing S having to make difficult decisions all the time. Don't think that what happens between you 2 will only impact the 2 of you. Sorry, hon, you're not the only aspect of S' life. Start thinking about how your silly actions will impact others, way beyond your puny mind can even imagine. Grow up. Then maybe you might be able to save yourself from the shit you're getting yourself into.

Celebrate Good Times, C'mon!

2011-12-13T05:09:00.000+08:00

Another picture-heavy post alright! :)

Organised a barbecue at T's place to celebrate the end of A levels. Honestly, it was a bitch organising it, and it didn't help that it rained incessantly on the day itself. T and I were continually ferrying people stranded at the bus stop. I was holding on to T's phone, as well as my own, and both were ringing off the hook. Thank God the barbecue area is sheltered at least! Overall, actually had a very very good time. Food was good, company was good. Also, a few of us adjourned to T's place to play polar bear and nerf guns which was super fun. Friends like these, you never want to lose, ever.

Anyway, a huge thank you to those who came :) Hope you guys enjoyed it and had enough to eat!

Brought Ariane over to T's place earlier so she could swim.

Lookalike

I am freaking amazed at her faith. It was raining quite heavily when we left for T's place. She told me that she had prayed, and she knew, not hoped that the rain was going to stop because she prayed. Dayum.

Indeed, then rain did stop and she got to swim. If there was such a thing as reincarnation, she would definitely have been a fish in her previous life.

Megan, T's youngest sister, who joined Ariane shortly after.

Ivan and Nigel who arrived early were throwing ball

Muscularrrrr

Sharing a pair of flippers

T's dad throwing pretty pebbles into the pool and making the 2 girls fetch them

Best friends already

Megan sitting on the rugby ball in the water

Ivan and Nigel, our barbecue chefs for the night

Playing with the ice cubes in their mouth

Not gay GAY best friend! Ariane and Megan exclusively called him Teddybear.

Clarence and Shili playing with the stethoscope. I remember Shili saying she couldn't hear Clarence's heart!

Mokkkkk the honour roll boy!

Jesslyn making sure Shili has a heart

Mok: Shili! How could you do that to Clarence! So irresponsible!
Ivan: Use contraceptives, guys! CONTRACEPTIVES!

Lassie, T's dog. She's daaaamn cute.

Photobombed by the small one. But she's so cuteeeee. 8 years old only!

Special thanks to T's family as well, who let us use their place and were so helpful!

Phew. Now that that is over, it's time for prom!! Hehe. Interesting how time flies. Just a while back, I was the one organising Grad Night, not just attending it. Last year, I didn't shop at all for new clothes/shoes/accessories while this year, everything was all spanking new. Very very nostalgic feeling, knowing that this will probably be the final school event I attend with my cohort. The importance of the event has finally hit me full strength, and now I wonder whether I did an adequate job of organising Grad Night last year. Sigh. Well, one thing's for sure: BRING ON THE HOT BABES! Hehe.

Can you whistle?

2011-12-10T18:59:00.001+08:00

Yep. *whistles*

Ask me anything (I guess)

Look How Far We've Come

2011-12-08T04:25:00.001+08:00

Well, back to blog about 3 events that happened recently... Gonna be a post loaded with pictures and words. There was my one year anniversary with T, post-A levels barbecue celebration and last but not least, prom! SO much has happened recently, and it feels good to be able to truly kick back and relax, and not attend to anything at all. I've set about clearing all my JC notes and whatnot, freeing up tonnes of space for other things :) Think I'll complete the 3 events in 3 posts. Bite-size stuff, hehe.

So, first things first, my one year anniversary! It coincided with the exact end of my A levels so it was a double celebration for me. To top it of, Starbucks was having a 1-for-1 Grande Christmas special. Yay. Took a bus to Suntec as we were going to have Tony Roma's! It was a toss up between Thai food and Tony Roma's, and the ribs won.

Camwhoring at the busstop

Spiffy specs on T

I was dying of hunger since I only had an egg mcmuffin at about 11am. And it was about dinner time now...

Starbucks 1-for-1 at Suntec. Met Paddy there!! What a surprise! :)

Ate at Tony Roma's. Awesome shizz.

While waiting for the food to arrive....

INSANELY AWESOME ONION LOAF. Must try!!
Waitress: Are you sure you want to order a full loaf? Cos it's really quite big.
*T gives me this evil grin*
Me: Yeah, we're pretty sure.

Note the cool blue halo of light above the sacred onion loaf!

I had bourbon barbecue regular ribs with baked potato and fries

T had blue ridge smoky regular ribs with mashed potato and fries

All of the rib bones. Looks damn disgusting here for some reason...

Some cool shadows the cars were making with their headlights as they passed by the trees

Walked over to the Esplanade from Suntec

Some Christmas structure there. I was pretending to be cold!

Someone act cool siol~

I'VE CAUGHT YOU IN THE ACT, PERVERT!

Profile pic worthy :)

I only wish we could have spent more time together. Really didn't want the night to end, even though I'm no fan of romantic nights out. It's just really one of those special times when nothing else in the world is important except the one by your side. Thank you, T, for a very very lovely and memorable night out :) It was fantastic to be able to go out and have a meal together without the damn books. Hahah

It's been a great year, and we will have many more to come!! Till our next anniversary then! :D

Blurred Vision

2011-12-04T03:37:00.001+08:00

It's been a really long time since I've cried like that. Extremely extremely long. The emptiness inside reverberate with the unpleasant truth that you don't know me. Perhaps it's my fault that I expected you to at least credit me with objective judgement based on what you do know about me.As a result of these unmet expectations, I cry and mourn our unfamiliarity with each other, boohoo.

I wasn't kidding when I said it's horribly, extremely, ridiculously difficult to tolerate me. I try to make myself more agreeable and acceptable so that you don't have such a hard time coping with the multitude of stupid situations we tend to end up in. But as I try to make things easier for you, it feels like I'm trying to be someone I'm definitely not. Ignoring that nagging feeling, I try not to be so "fatalistic", as you would say. I do try, and case in point, it doesn't work since you don't notice it. Ultimately, it just doesn't work.

After that hullabaloo the previous night, I thought more effort would be put in to making the conversation not erupt into a quarrel. Clearly, I thought wrong. It was easy for you to let loose, and significantly harder for me to hold back my words and keep my emotions in check. I really do hate how your short-term memory is so severe. That and baseless malignant accusations are perhaps my top pet peeves.

At this point of time, I want nothing more than to be away from you. Cut off all forms of communication, fly off to some godforsaken island and ignore you for a long long time. I hope it's just the irrationality and the emotions speaking. Because if this still runs through my head when I finally wake up, I would know what I'd have to do.

Maybe these are just my desserts for the pain and hurt that I have caused you. I've probably dealt more damage than you have, you sensitive thing. Doesn't help that I'm too damn objective at times which conflicts with your idealism. Just my desserts. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe it's some kind of positive feedback mechanism which seeks to correct my behaviour. Hmmm.

Almost hit the backspace button again.
Forget it.

Swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothin' to hurt 'em

Now you're in each other's faces, spewing venom with your words when you spit 'em.

Ice Cream And More Ice Cream

2011-11-30T00:12:00.001+08:00

Gonna blog about something much lighthearted than what I've been blogging before! T ended his A levels officially today, so we went out for a mini celebration! First, it was a late lunch at Ichiban with his mum, and then to Udders for ice cream!

Haven't been there in ages and the Strawberry Fields (pink scoop in the left picture) tasted soooo damn good. Best strawberry ice cream in the world, and that's coming from someone who typically hates strawberry ice cream. Hehe. I had Strawberry Fields and Wineberries (cranberries soaked in port) while T had Snickers Mars Honeycomb and Rum Rum Raisin. Happy happy stomachs! Going back there brings back certain memories, of working there, of playing there, of eating there.

Well, my A levels end on Thursday boohoo. Stupid Biology. Coincidentally, my end of A levels marks my 1 year with T! Whaddya know, it's already been a whole year... Honestly didn't feel that long. Ahah. So I wonder what he's gonna be up to. I don't know what I'm gonna do, oh no :( I'm not too good with this kind of anniversary celebration thingy.

On a random side note, here's a super cute picture of Megan playing with her magnifying glass while I was studying at T's house.

Return

2011-11-28T01:16:00.001+08:00

Well, it isn't officially the end of my A levels yet, but hey, it's Bio MCQ left. And it's on Thursday. So, why not cheer up this stale space? Yep, so Ashley is back :D

A levels has been an arduous journey, to say the least. Never studied so freaking hard in my entire life. So glad it's the last national examination I'll ever be sitting for. Pfft. So not willing to go through this again, unless it's GP, which I have this sad sad sad feeling I won't get an A for... So I'll prolly retake, even if it's a B.

Now that this difficult time is nearly over, I've got literally, a thousand and one things to do during this well-deserved break! Been making a list since March this year. Obviously, the list has done nothing but grow. It involves all sorts of debauchery like gaming, movie marathons, pig-out sessions-cum-stayovers, cooking and plenty more. But most importantly, one of the items on my list is to reconnect with people I've lost touch with. In retrospect, there's so many of them who were so very special at some point of my life or another, and now we're more than just kilometres away. For most of them, I find it awfully sad that I could let them go. I suppose it wasn't deliberate; they just fell off the radar like a magazine slipping out of one's lap.

Re-connect, re-establish, renew.

Almost There

2011-11-16T19:16:00.001+08:00

After tomorrow's Geography paper, I will be exactly halfway through all my A level papers. What a freaking relief. I'll be back and free to update this space then!! Till 25th November then!

Incidentally, that's exactly a month before Christmas! So excited! Lots of Christmas decorations are up already :) Loveeeeeeeeeeeeee this time of the year <3 Only thing is, I have to wait till next year to celebrate Christmas with T .__.

Get A Brain, Girl. And While You're At It, Get Disinfectant For Your Mouth.

2011-11-02T04:00:00.000+08:00

WARNING: EXTREMELY WORDY POST.

Coming back home after a long day of studying in school and I log on to Twitter, and guess what? Everyone's talking about Adelyn Hosehbo. Giggling to myself a bit, I click on the hashtag and start checking her out. Turns out, she's a 14 year old Singaporean girl who studies in Marsiling Secondary School, and got famous by posting on her Facebook that she slapped her mum. Twice. This was gathered from the pictures at Stomp (click for direct link to article), and it received so much attention that apparently, Stomp jammed up. Well.

Firstly, my opinion on the matter. Under no circumstances, should any child slap/hit/beat his/her parents. Simple as that. Abusive or not, retaliation is not your due, and even more so in a culture like that of Singapore which demands respect and filial piety. Foreigners may mock us for being "narrow-minded" and "stifling", but just logically thinking about it, would allow one to arrive at that conclusion. From my point of view as a child under the authority of my own parents, parents deserve respect because 1) they brought me into this world, which was no mean feat, 2) they have loved me, fed me, clothed me, supported me, encouraged me and so on, and 3) as a Christian, I believe parents are figures of authority representative of God, the highest authority. It's an issue of gratitude; would you choose to repay the favour your parents have given you? Like how someone put it really aptly:

If you saw a homeless guy in a corner, shivering to death on a cold day, and you happened to have a spare jacket which you gave to him; would you expect a thank you? Or perhaps a smile, or just some expression of gratitude? Or would you be perfectly fine if he got up, cursed you, spat on you and kicked you in the balls?

Most parents don't even expect this gratitude and simply bring up their child because they love him/her. I can't say I know exactly how it feels to be a parent, or what it's like to experience parental love. But I do know what it's like to love someone so unconditionally that I don't expect anything in return for anything I do. Most parents love that way, that kind of agape love.

Now you might say that I'm picturing the perfect ideal family where parents love their children and treat them like kings and queens, but I ignore those who unfortunately have abusive parents. On that note, I still think one should give the respect due to one's parents because your survival to this very day (and hence, reading this) should give them at least some credit. Okay, it's really hard to put it into words, but the point is, respect them no matter what okay!

I sound so serious and GP-ish! Okay, time to let loose and give my opinions in more heartfelt words. Ahah.

Secondly, I am pretty heartened at the reactions of most Singaporeans who express outrage at Adelyn and her highly disrespectful actions. I guess it just shows that Singaporeans' conscience and principles of decorum are still intact. I would be horrified if most of the reactions were neutral or even worse, supportive of Adelyn's actions.

Seriously, it is not "cool" or "insert-some-other-lame-reason-here" to do something so damn outrageous, and then brag about it on Facebook. Attention whore much? Some comments have said that she did not actually slap her mother, but simply posted it as a "joke.

WHAT.
KIND.
OF.
SCREWED.
UP.
SENSE.
OF.
HUMOUR.
IS.
THAT.
WTH.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt that she posted it as a "joke", it is so NOT funny. Clearly, this small one has not a notion of her limits. Or she has a VERY questionable sense of humour that requires psychiatric help. NOT FUNNY OKAY. Neither is your Facebook surname. Seriously, kids nowadays make me feel terribly terribly ashamed of being a Singaporean.
"Hiix, moii name iish xiiaostupidxx, n moii lao gong iish xiiaoboiix".

Grabs paperbag to cover my face and flees from Singapore.

It doesn't help that I have terrible impressions of lots of ah lians (no arguing on the fact that Adelyn is an ah lian, IT'S SO DAMN OBVIOUS). Don't like the way they type, don't like the way they speak (curse, rather), don't like the way they dress, don't like just about everything. It's a pet peeve I have yet to get over...

Okay, I digress.

Yes, I am relieved to know that most condemn her actions (whether she did it for real or posted it as a "joke"), so my faith in Singaporeans is partially restored :) Until I see youths not giving up their seats to the elderly/pregnant women, queue cutters, and generally rude uncivilised people. Singapore may be a first-world country, but just look at the general behaviour of the people. Ranked 5th most UNCOURTEOUS COUNTRY in a Readers' Digest courtesy test in 2006. Absolutely disgusting. This is something the government cannot simply just implement policies to change. It is a reflection of the societal changes that have taken place, for the worse. Parents are no longer taking their children in hand, and letting them run loose like hooligans. Perhaps due to an over-emphasis on materialism fueled by our exponentially increasing affluence?

Thirdly, there are those who think it's alright to let her be, since she is supposedly "young" and "ignorant". Screw you, this is a painful lesson that she better learn now. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Through the outraged reactions towards Adelyn's ridiculous actions, she learns 3 very important lessons:

The importance of self-censorship.
Showing respect to her mother is non-negotiable.
Pride comes before a fall. Hubris, essentially.

And I say, bring on the comments! If it's gonna teach her these lessons, it's definitely worth it. It will also serve as a warning to those who want to attempt such shennanigans that this Singaporean society still disapproves of it, and you will be held heavily responsible for your words and actions, both online and offline. This is the price she has to pay for her actions; choosing to disrespect her mother or just stupidly boasting about something that is socially unacceptable.

She is young, and therefore, the mistakes she makes now will be perhaps the most ife-changing ones if handled properly. Most importantly, all the attention focused on her would hopefully nip the problem in the bud before she grows up into another disgustingly rude and uncivilised Singaporean girl with no qualms about subverting authority. Damn right that the social media is going to teach her a lesson on this.

Just caught wind of this on Twitter:

Woah, like seriously?!

On a side note, this would be a very good example to use in my upcoming A level GP essay, regarding the Singapore society (if I choose to do a question which requires this sort of example ah!). HAHAH.

Cheers!

They Thrive On The Inconsistent And The Unusual

2011-11-01T00:14:00.002+08:00

Wanna bitch? Clarify the facts me first. No guts to do so? Ask somebody else to ask me. Hear it from the horse's mouth, and then make your judgement. Clarifications are all you need. It's definitely much easier to assume and spread it like an infectious virus. Then again, won't it be so stupid of you to spread something that wasn't true? The best part is, you could never take back your words, forever branded a fool. If you didn't hear it from me or the parties directly concerned, it should be no business of yours to comment.

Words, Words, Words. They're All We Have To Go On.

2011-10-30T04:00:00.001+08:00

I always wonder what people think of people who call themselves "Christians" but don't behave the way they should. I'm saying that I've been completely Christ-like in my behaviour at all times, but there's really a certain few things that irk me when these "Christians" don't walk the talk. Constantly using vulgarities is one of them.

And He called the people to Him and said to them, " Hear and understand: it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person."
Matthew 15:10-11

...For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body.If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom.
James 3:1-13

The logic is simple. But it is much harder to follow, I guess. It probably requires a constant effort to remind oneself to watch one's words. It has been a habit for me since young, and I can understand that it would be challenging to stop using such words immediately. But it would be worth the effort. Firstly, it is exactly what God would like His Followers to do. Secondly, it would be a good reflection on us as we who claim to be followers of Jesus Christ.

It really gets to me when we Christians behave in ways that don't befit our chosen positions as Christians and reflectors of who God is. Interestingly, it is Christians who are the most judged and closely scrutinised religious people. If a Hindu does something wrong, nobody goes up to him/her and says, "Eh, you're a Hindu. How can you do that?" If a Muslim does something wrong (short of eating pork, taking alcohol, touching dogs), nobody goes up to him/her and says, "You're a Muslim. How can you behave that way?" It's always, "You're a Christian. How can you use vulgarities? I thought that y'all we're all goody-goody types." It isn't fun being stereotyped, but in this case, it is a requirement that we walk the talk.

Recently, my own tongue got the better of me online. While it was typed words, I paid a heavy price for it. And it gets me every time I think about how it was so unnecessary and how I've destroyed the image of Christians. It wasn't vulgarities, but simply a loss of control over my tongue, which manifested as a splurge of hurtful words to the other party. It was a timely reminder to always watch my words, online and offline. I remember reading in a GP passage that "(online) errors have a half-life of forever". That line is really apt, and I could delete the blog post, the tweet, the Facebook status or the Tumblr post, and yet, someone somewhere might have cached it or taken a screenshot of it. Even the image of the words could have been branded on the inside of the person's mind.

Words are so damn powerful, and I think everyone needs to be constantly reminded of that fact. Words can rouse an army of soldiers and boost their morale before a war, and they can also cut a person so deep that he/she becomes scarred for life. Of course, I'm listing the 2 extremes; my point is words possess a power that we, as users, have to be responsible for. As Christians, all the more do we have to responsible to speak words that build each other up, and not tear each other down.

If you're a Christian and you're reading this now, I hope that you'd reflect on your words and seek to project a better image of Christians that people will not call Christians hypocrites, eroding our credibility.

We are masters of the unsaid words, and slaves to those we let slip out.

- Winston Churchill

BEST PASTA EVER!

2011-10-28T22:16:00.000+08:00

Omg I just made the best pasta EVER! It was a random dish I made for dinner cos I'm the only one at home so I'm expected to cook for myself/buy back. I really HATE eating hawker food just cos I don't have dinner at home. I'd choose home-cooked food over outside food any day!! Anyway, back to the point, the pasta was INSANELY AWESOME :) See for yourself!

Pan-fried penne with shredded salmon, mixed vegetables and Italian herbs topped with Ikea meatballs

I didn't really think it through, just cooked with whatever I could find in the fridge. Hehe. Come to think of it, I never really plan for my dishes unless it's for somebody else to eat :) I'll put the recipe below for anyone who wants to try it out! It's really daaaaaaamn good, promise! I guess the meatballs are kinda optional but hey, they were sitting in the freezer so why not? Only complaint I have about it is that the pasta is kinda hard cos I cooked it al dente, forgetting that pan-fried pasta would require softer, more thoroughly cooked pasta so that it doesn't dry up while being pan-fried. Remember this, should you try this out, okay!

Ingredients:

1/2 cup of penne pasta
100g salmon fillet
1/4 cup of frozen mixed vegetables, thawed
1 1/2 teaspoon of Italian seasoning (I use the one from McCormick cos it's extra fragrant)
1 tablespoon of olive oil
1/4 clove of garlic, minced
Salt and black pepper to taste

Method:

Boil water in a pot (water should cover penne by at least an inch) adding a bit of salt and oil
Add in penne when water boils and cook according to brand's requirements but add an additional 2 minutes.
After penne is cooked, drain out all the hot water.
Heat up 1/2 to 3/4 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan.
Add minced garlic once oil begins to sizzle.
Pan-fry salmon fillet, gently making small slits in the fillet to allow for easier and more even cooking.
Add Italian seasoning and black pepper evenly to both sides of the fish and press against the garlic/Italian seasoning while cooking. It's okay if the garlic takes on a 'burnt' appearance.
Turn off heat once salmon is 3/4 cooked. Debone and shred in the pan (I took off the skin too cos I don't really like the taste of salmon skin. It kinda looks better too).
Turn heat on again and add rest of olive oil.
Add in mixed vegetables and cook together, adding salt and pepper to taste.
Once vegetables are cooked, add in penne and pan-fry for about 5-7 minutes or until pasta is firm.
Add black pepper and Italian seasoning to taste.

Serves one person. Amount of vegetables, salmon and Italian seasoning can be varied according to one's preferences.

Yep, that's it. It's really really easy and took me about 20 minutes only! One of the best dinners I've made for myself so far. Really happy and totally in the mood to study for Bio!

Cheers!

//EDIT
Just found out from my mum that the salmon was really really fresh so that's why it tasted so good! :)

Colour Theory

2011-10-26T23:03:00.002+08:00

Just HAD to share this colour theory that N, T and I came up with one day in the cafe. It all started with a cup of Ribena. We couldn't agree on the colour. Is it purple? Or red? Or dark pink? Or a mixture? Finally, we settled on "Ribena" colour. Unoriginal, but it was the only consensus we could come to.And then we realised, that there is no way (at current technological levels) that anyone can ever asertain that the colour I see is the exact same colour you see.

Think about it: all my life I've been told that this is PINK, but for you, you see PINK as say, YELLOW, and so you automatically associate YELLOW to be PINK. We would both agree that the colour we see is called PINK because we simply associate different colours with the same name. Of course, this is in spite of them being vastly different colours. And this theory might explain the different colour preferences that exist too. Amazing shit eh? So until someone invents some machine that can accurately project what one sees, we'll never know if the colour I see is that exact same colour you see :)

MINDBLOWN.

What colour do you think it is?

Back To Normalcy

2011-10-26T02:38:00.002+08:00

I will endeavour to make things right after this A level phase. This song reminds me too much of you and how much we left hanging, all that was shelved and left unsaid.

On a lighter side note, I love the Kooks. Seriously seriously one of my most favourite bands. Usually when I like an artist, I like ALL their songs and the Kooks is no exception. Maybe cos I better appreciate the voice quality and not so much the lyrics. T always laughs when I sing "You're just so racist, you can't tie my laces" from Lily Allen's Fuck You. Doesn't really make sense, but oh well. Ahah. Wish I could pull off a cover of one of the Kooks' songs but it's really hard D: Like really really hard.

This A level thing. Can't wait for it to be over. And yet. I wanna make sure I do it well. Right now, I can't say I'm gonna do well at all. Screw this. I shouldn't even be here, but I gotta make it clear to myself that the only way forward is to do well at this really important stage of my life.

Now It's Time For 'So Longs'

2011-10-21T01:56:00.000+08:00

Supposedly, "time flies when you're having fun". And fun I've had indeed in the past 1 year plus. In retrospect, it's all the silly times spent fooling around, getting scolded, studying only when exams near and not exactly behaving like the 17/18/19 year olds we supposedly are that I'm gonna remember for life. At the end of this period, I can finally understand why people say that JC is the best and most memorable time of one's schooling life. Nothing is and will ever be the same. As I list down the names of the people who have made an impact on my JC life, this bittersweet poignant feeling of familiar nostalgia washes over me, as I yet again, prepare to leave most of these people behind.

While our paths may separate from here, I always bear this hope that we'll somehow meet again, or that our lives continue running parallel beside each other.

We're all growing up and I still can't believe that I'm 18, a half-adult, on my way to 21, exhilarated and scared as heck. I don't know what to do what to expect and sometimes I just wanna pause time, grab my homies and head to play LAN. Hahah. Kay, that was really random, but my point is, I guess I didn't expect adulthood to creep up on me so fast.

Class photo in the blazing sun.

"Now is the summer of our discontent / Made glorious summer by this son of York."

Racist Rubi

Auntie Kai/Farmer Kai who shops at Popular

Super smart super cool dude

Motherly queen of the drama theatre

Malaysian white-haired scholar

Loud and pretty one who stays beside Grand Aunt

PW group with Miss Soh!

PW group I LOVE YOU :D

Random group shot with the teachers

Pretty OG mate

PW group leader and Soghurt enthusiast

Secondary schoolmate who's grown tonnes prettier

*soccer ball hits her head* CHAO CHEE BYE WHICH MOTHERFUCKER HIT MY HEAD?!?!

Hensem Marist who's into good food

Lepak Lit rep

Geography classmate who calls me "Dust" ._.

33rd SC president

Pretty and smart Bio classmate

Meet "Volunteer", my OG kid

limothytim who loves Singoella cookies

Hensem Korean photographer and fantastic late night calls who's terrified of cockroaches

Tall tall teddybear who's Ian's neighbour

25% Indian, 100% BLACK

The one I used to see 5 times a day due to similar timetables

Hensem basketballer who dances damn well

Super cute smile boy

SJI OG kid. AWWWWWW <3 I like SJI boys

My signholder OG kid

The boyfriend. The cute SA boy

Tetris God who's ___'s ex! HAHAH

The crazy and lepak best friend

My OG kiddo, the 2nd president of Saints Advocates

For those I didn't manage to take a picture with:

Siu Li

Pale white ah lian (initially) to hilarious food and fashion monster.

Cheng Yi

24 hour WR editing at her house. Severe lack of sleep but we still got our As and Bs

Alastair

Rebel SAS boy turned class rep under Miss K. In love with food and vice (okay I'm half-heartedly kidding bout the vice part).

Kenneth

Pinoy class rep who can walk up to a girl and ask if she wants to have sex with him and not get beaten up or screamed at.

Yao Tian
Chinaman who always kena bullied by the other guys!

Gerald Yow

Boyfriend's distant cousin and my K2 classmate

Ivan Ong

Bio classmate and gay-not-GAY-best-friend who's always there for me :) Green tea macchiato!

Kai Zheng

The big scary basketball dude who's not so scary after all.

Isaac

One of the sweetest Catholic High boys I know who's damn hyper!

Ryan Lee

Sick 3-pointer sharp shooter who looks like Xie Shao Guang.

Rachel Ho

Pretty basketballer who can pass off as a guy neck down.

Darren Mok

Neighbour who does insane magic tricks

Zexun

Panda boy who likes to take unglam shots of me D:

Daniel Khong

Racist Rubi's rumoured boyfriend and unlikely (yet likely) SAS boy.

Dionne Sim

Hardworking Literati group leader.

Joel Lim

Geography pro and Jaren's older brother

Terry

Super cute Terry-jump!

Nat Lee

Punniest dude I know.

Ivan Hong

Super smart Russian-speaking boy.

Donovan

Little monster with insane fashion tastes.

Ben Lee

Bio classmate who's part of the singing trio composed of Ivan Ong, me and Ben.

Shili

The peretually moving teddybear's girlfriend who's short but pretty.

Jesslyn

Primary schoolmate who's crazy smart and sleeps too early.

Jordan

Really awesome and cute Arab dude who stays next to Lee Kuan Yew.

Veggie

Double 'V' for Veggie.

Daniel Ng

AC rugger boy in SA territory

Elvina
Special council and PL junior

Nathaniel Quek

UNCLE NAT the GP pro!

Life and time will not delay

Time is running fast away

Life is now today, today.

I Am Bothered That I Can't Be Bothered

2011-10-03T23:13:00.000+08:00

Does it even make sense??
In a paradoxical way, I guess yes. In other words, I am not bothered with the issue itself, but rather with my detachment and apathy that by right, should not be present. Dayum. By left, it unfortunately is. Perhaps it's the preparation for A levels which has sucked my already limited capability to be emotionally-strung to people. Perhaps I really don't care. Perhaps the brevity of the whole situation has not hit me yet. Perhaps after all this time, you don't really mean a thing to me, and I could just drop you. Perhaps because the hoard was not much to begin with, the loss was not overwhelming. Perhaps I don't know how to treasure the people around me, because I assume they're all gonna disappear eventually; no one hangs around forever. Circumstances and occurences tear everyone apart. Ironically, I still choose to have T around me. Maybe my emotional capabilities are still a "work-in-progress" kind of thing.
Well, whatever happens, I doubt I will actually feel the impact significantly. I do hope it's not a result of closing off my emotions. I just feel like a dried leaf, going wherever the wind takes me to, incapable of dictating my own route. Not that I want to in this case; ball's in your court anyway. Cliche as it is, only time will tell!! In the mean time, I will return to my essays :)
Cheers!

My current earworm. Insanely cuteeeee!

Like I've Done Something Right

2011-09-30T00:00:00.000+08:00

It's not a question of whether I love you or not.

It's a question of how long will I love you for.

It's not a question of how much I give.

It's a question of how much I am willing to give, unconditionally.

It's not a question of forgetting all the wrongs you've done.

It's a question of forgiving you completely.

It's been 10 months (that don't feel like 10 months) and I can't believe it. We're still here, holding on. In spite of the numerous arguments, quarrels and cold wars. Like wow. I'm a horribly difficult person to love cos I'm so extreme and moody and such a perfectionist. And yet, you're super patient and understanding :) I'm blessed to have someone like you!
I like that we don't see the need to make a fuss outta every other "monthsary".
I like that you're always concerned about me.
I like that we both like to play lan.
I like that you always try to make me happy.
I like that you tell me I'm pretty (when I'm not).
I like that you're eyes are so small.
I like that you're fatter than me :D
I like that you're so smart and intelligent.
I like that you try to play your guitar.
I like that our looks complement each other.

Finally, a picture where the size of my eyes < your eyes!

Double girlfriend. Lucky boy.

Too bad the girlfriends are headhunters.

But with a touch of their fingers...

Poof! His head is restored!

No, an excessively small chin with disproportionately large eyes is not pretty.

Well, on to 12 months next!

"All The Days Ordained For Me Were Written In Your Book Before One Of Them Came To Be."

2011-09-18T21:03:00.000+08:00

More often than not, I've had so many dreams and visions of myself dying prematurely. A car crash. A terminal disease. A freak accident. And I've always wondered what would happen if I died. I guess at 18, it seems a little too young to be considering death, but there appears to be this innate knowledge in me that I'm not going to live for long. It doesn't help that there's a generational curse in my family where they tend to die at relatively young ages. An uncle passed away at 39 due to a heart attack. An auntie passed away due to lung cancerat 40. Another uncle was killed in a car accident at 44. My grandmother is now suffering from stage 4 colon cancer at the age of just 59. Aside from praying against it, there remains that nagging fear that I won't live long enough to see my grandchildren, or to be a wife, and a mother. With respect to the ages of death in my family, I probably have about 30-40 years tops? Not even half a century. Would that be enough time to shower enough care and love on T, and be an absolutely fantastic wife, everything he could ever ask for? Would that be enough time to tell my parents that in spite of my wilfulness and defiance, I'm actually quite in awe of their ability to handle me? Would that be enough time to learn how to cook from my mum and perhaps even T's mum? Would that be enough to learn from my dad all the ingenious technical skills he possesses? Would that be enough to catch up with all the friends I've made in my life, especially those who were/are so special to me?

You tell me that I can always do it now, but to me, it is consistency that matters and not just one-off "I'm-gonna-show-you-that-I-love-and-appreciate-you-just-because-I'm-about-to-die". And try as I might, I'm very very bad at being consistent in showing that I care. Constantly, I look back and find myself abusing the people around me, taking for granted everything and everyone. Aptly, a line from Richard III: A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse! I'm trying, but clearly I'm not putting in sufficient effort. And on a side note, if I really knew for sure that I was going to die pretty soon, say a year's time, I would not give up on my A levels. And that fact in itself, serves as an encouragement to myself, and hopefully to any of you, that regardless of life or impending death, one should always give one's best in everything. Why? Because in the face of death, nothing else matters except living a fulfilled and accomplished life. And I'd like to be able to stand confidently in front of my God, and hear him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." That simple.

At present, I am no where near achieving such after-life goals, so to speak. I've been neglecting familial relationships in the face of impending A levels. Not been communicating much with my dad even though things are significantly better, I must say. Not spending quality time with my sisters, even though I've been dying to go shopping with them (A levels again). My walk with God hasn't been that fantastic, stumbling lots and tired of picking myself up again and again. I know I need Him beside me during this tumultous and trying period, but clearly, it hasn't ingrained itself in me that God is the only one I will ever need. In the process of getting my walk back together. Then I'm not being the best I can for T. I have to keep reminding myself to be patient in every way, to always take the initiative, to never expect anything in return. In short, I want to be I Corinthians 13 personified to T, and even to all around me. Trust me, it's insanely difficult.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I keep telling myself after A levels, after A levels. But I'm pretty sure I'll find some other excuse not to mend and build relationships, to continue in my procrastination. Tsk. Death, albeit impending is awfully difficult to handle. I don't know what else to say. Over and over again. And yet, Words, words, they're all we've got to go on.

50 days to A levels!
I WILL BE BACK :D

I Didn't Mean To Fall In Love But I Did

2011-08-13T23:58:00.002+08:00

And I sometimes really feel that you didn't mean to love me back but somehow you did.

I hate this silence. I hate this cold war. I hate how you make me cry. I hate how I make you cry. And yet, I know inherently that I couldn't live without you, even if it destroys me. I didn't mean to hurt you. You probably didn't mean to walk off. And literally leaving me counting your steps as you walk away. What's done is done, and I don't exactly know what went wrong. I guess, that's love for you? Hits you like a train, and leaves you in a flash. I know I'm not the most lovable of people, that my words tend to hurt you, and my erratic moods confuse and frustrate you. Hate to say "I told you so", but this is why I can't see nobody loving me for life. It would probably kill the person to, with the exception of my parents perhaps.

I really feel like letting all this go, simply because I can't understand it. And it sucks to see myself hurting you, even when I consciously remind myself to watch my words, temper my moodswings and love you the way you deserve. In the end, it is not love or feelings which hold us together, and I cannot imagine anyone with tolerance so great. I've told you many times to leave and you still come back for more. I hate crying, really, but each time I tell you to leave me and forget about me, it's like a stab to my heart.. I can't live without you, and yet, you probably would be better off without me. And honestly, if you were happy, I'd be happy too, albeit in a bittersweet kind of way.

Someone Worth Changing For

2011-08-03T21:04:00.000+08:00

It's high time I stop pretending that I'm better off alone. Because the secret truth is, I can't live without you. And before you leave for good because of my tantrums and narcissism, I better get my head straight on and realise what I truly want. A life alone surrounded by a legion of trophies of lost loves, or struggling to get along with the one I love. Right now, I can't accurately put my thoughts into words but one thing's for sure, that I've finally accepted that two is muthabloody better than one. I love my independence, and yet, at the same time, I want to be able to rely on somebody, to share my life with. I'm prolly not very coherent right now. And yet this is going to go up so that I remember this incoherence and remember to never fall into this situation again.

If you could rewind time, what is one thing that you wish you had done differently and how?

2011-07-07T09:06:00.001+08:00

I prolly would've studied harder for O levels, and made a better attempt at my Chinese. Ahah.

Ask me anything (I guess)

Are you happy?

2011-07-07T09:05:00.001+08:00

Yeah I guess I am :) Happiness is often relative, isn't it? You're happy when you choose to be, especialy in spite of difficult circumstances.

Ask me anything (I guess)

Hiding Behind Skin That's Too Thick

2011-06-16T01:15:00.000+08:00

I hate losing people around me. Really. First it was -, then now S. It's really so darn painful.. This time, it's well and truly my own fault. I'm stupid and selfish and jealous, and I can't help it. S is the best anyone could ask for. Still I blew it. Now, things have to end cos I don't want S to be dragged down in my self-centredness.
It's so queer. I know I'm being selfish and yet I can't seem to help it. I can't be "magnanimous" and "gracious" and accept _ for some reason I can't explain. I seem to always screw-up big-time just as things are really really good and happy. It's as if this rebellious inner child demands that every period of happiness be balanced with an equivalent amount of sadness, and so, seeks to bring about such "balance". So things have come to this, and I'm really terribly sad, but it's something I need to do. I'm so so sorry that I couldn't be a better friend to S than S was to me.
I'm crazy. Quite insane. I need to stop thinking so much, and act normal.

formspring.me

2011-06-01T14:04:00.001+08:00

Pretty please? http://formspring.me.potatoesss

Complete Loss

2011-05-24T23:13:00.004+08:00

This extremely tumultous time warrants a post here even as I'm about to have my first 2 papers of Block Test (BT) 2, namely, Geography and GP.

I never thought things would turn out like this, with me being so insanely frustrated with your procrastination, hubris and complete lack of motivation. No doubt you're extremely intelligent and the speed at which you grasp concepts is amazing. That's your only saving grace academically, and frankly, they haven't shown to be very significant contributors to your grades. I nag alot, I know, and even more so when I care too damn much for my and your own good. I can't stand by and do nothing and watch you waste your time and your life away on meaningless entertainment and titillations. This is not a year for you to fool around. The best part is, I'm so damn sure that you know everything that I've typed here so far. But it just never sinks into you, deep enough to leave a significant impression that will manifest itself in a change in your behaviour. Ultimately, I do know that it is up to you to decide if you want to work hard, I won't force you, but in a bid to quit my nagging and this seemingly perpetual feelig of futility, I might leave you. Not by choice. I'm literally tearing my hair and bawling my eyes out over all this, and it's gonna come to a point where I gotta save myself and focus more on my academics. But even the thought of this possible solution hurts so damn bad that I can't find the courage or hard-heartedness to implement it. This seriously sucks. I cannot wait for 2011 or least the month of November to be over...

"No Regrets, Just Love?" Bullshit.

2011-05-02T15:26:00.000+08:00

I did what I swore never to do. And the best part? I knew it was coming, and yet I didn't do anything to stop it. This guilt engulfs me, consumes me. I can't shake off this feeling of immense disappointment and the death bell tolls in my head "guilty... guilty... guilty". I can't explain so there shouldn't be any opportunity given to me. The nonchalence is easy even as my heart sinks under the infinite weight of guilt. I've never experienced such immense guilt. This 'g' word has been ringing in my head since then. I'm such a disappointment in every way, and I disgust myself.
No one I can tell. Absolutely no one. Not that I will but it threatens to spill out of me as a confession, forced out of me like water in a pipe. It feels like a tonne of weights have been tied to my heart and I can feel it being pulled under and slowly suffocated.
Now I just don't deserve you. I think I am truly better off alone and it would do you a world of good to stay away from me. I'm so so sorry.

34th Student Council Commendation

2011-04-14T12:56:00.003+08:00

Well, commendation of the 34th Student Council was just over. It was so bittersweet and nostalgic, to say the least. It's the same attire, same ceremony, same songs, same verses. Just different people. And it just makes you wonder how many batches of councillors have been through this process and no doubt, you feel that faint but obvious connection to the senior batches of councillors. It's like the basis for my roots in council. Bound to it not just by obligation, but by the same activities and ceremonies we have in common. Selection Camp, Leadership Training Camp, commendation practices, commendation itself, Teachers' Day, Grad Night, Open House etc. My council term has really flown by and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. I never regret joining coucil and in the words of a fellow councillor, nothing can ever replace council. Wasn't it just a while ago that it was me in that blazer, holding that commendation booklet, receiving that badge and walking up and down that aisle?

Weirdy Weird Weird

2011-04-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

It's like I never noticed. But now I do. Pretty lips. Soft eyes. Small waist. Effeminate even. So queer. I can't even express this weird feeling properly.

Don't Be Selfish

2011-03-16T13:55:00.000+08:00

Ultimately, I am still selfish, even as selfless and magnanimous and forgiving as I try to be. I will still leave if this continues. Don't do this. Don't lose me. Not at this time. Not ever. I don't want your apologies. I just want your promise to at least endeavour not do it again.

It's such inherent instinctive behaviour to be selfish. I don't know whether to apologise for what is a definitive characteristic of our whole species.

formspring.me

2011-03-06T15:45:00.001+08:00

Ask away! :D http://www.formspring.me/potatoesss

Mission #4 And #5 Accomplished

2011-02-22T17:00:00.007+08:00

Haven't been blogging much, my apologies. Life has been epic, as usual. There are really so few times when my life is actually boring, dull and mundane. Since I last blogged, 2 major council events have passed and I didn't talk about it D: Awwww. Well, here goes.

Mission #4: Open House 2011

Wasn't really that involved in the Open House but I had my job to do in the SL: taking photos and troubleshooting. While I thought it'd be pretty fun, I got bored outta my socks cos I was literally cooped up in the SL with nothing to do at times. Thank God for lovely friends who dropped by to play Band Hero. If not, I would have to be the one playing by myself. I finally managed to get out during my lunch break and I lead tours as well. Sheesh, I would've totally loved to be tour guide. I could talk for ages (which I'm sure you should know by now ^^). Made a lot of new friends and I was really really happy that many of them commented that SA's atmosphere is super hyped up and cool. Mass dance at the end of the Open House was exciting. Danced my heart out in preparation for Orientation!! Overall, it was an awesome experience (tell me which council event isn't awesome..) and I had a ball of a time helping out. Well done, Hae In and Marilyn! :) So so proud of the 33rd SC! ♥

Mission #5: Orientation 2011 ENVISAGE

This is truly the flagship event of any council and it was truly a privilege to have such an experience serving the school in this area. I was in Mass Dance committee with Adam, Bethany and Wee Keong, and in the A clan, with Zhao Kai as the clan master, and Shuli, Shirlyn, Pasmine, Melody, Robin and Calvin. This year, we had a sci-fi theme and the names of the clans were Sygora, Audelius, Izaion, Nemexyz and T-saerio. It was truly the most fun period of my life, and I'm proud to say that I'm the OGL of OG 12! I cannot begin to explain in words how fantastic the experience was. Honestly, it was crazy looking after 30 people and making sure that everyone is okay and not missing. Must be what a mother feels like, except I've got 30 kids to care for! I've come to really really love each one of them, from the time I called them to inform them of certain administration stuff to after finale and the lovely cheer they came up with for Robin and me. Frankly, it's so difficult to compress 4 days of absolute awesomeness and tiredness into a blog post. I think this post is just for memory sake...

Even When I Dream Of You, The Sweetest Dream Will Never Do

2011-01-13T23:09:00.009+08:00

It's finally happened. And I can only blame myself for being a coward who wasn't able to face the reality that this would happen. I knew it would happen, and yet I didn't do anything to stop it. I haven't cried so badly in such a long time. But I think it's justified. After all, I just lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. For once, everything was really going right, everything was well, fairytale-ish, for the lack of a better word.
Then comes that urge to escape again, just like the time with -. Sleep, and never wake up, literally. I don't have any real reason to open my eyes anymore. It's a horrible temptation to never wake up, and stay there, maybe with you, if I can find you there. I don't have to face reality and the distance. I don't have to make the choice between doing what I should and doing what I want. I can always be with you, I can always smell you, I can always hold your hand.

On the way home, it was surreal and I moved as if in a dream. I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Supposedly poetic lines were running through my mind like a stampede. Wrote 3 poems on the seemingly long journey home. I don't think they make much sense, but the words were dancing in my mind and they just got pieced together...

Escape
Drip, drip, drip from the windows of her heart.
The sound is obscenely loud.
She begs herself to wake up.
But it's the perfect escape.
Hush, flower, and seal your windows shut.

Redemption?
They say loss provides its own restitution.
I imagine you here beside me on the bus,
dozing in the rain in your arms.
I imagine you holding my hand,
fingers so intertwined, don't let go.
I imagine your smile,
that you're smiling at me, for me.
I imagine our discussions,
and go over every topic we've covered.
They say loss proovides its own restitution.
Does it?

The First Time.
It happened on the back of a bus.
I don't know what we went past.
My breath caught in my chest,
and your face disappeared.
I forgot to breath.
They weren't lying,
when they said it'll make you feel like flying.

Mindless poems that are probably my expression of the great sense of loss. I think right now, I need Sylvie more than she needs me.

I don't know how I'm going to carry on. To (dare I say it) love someone so deeply, it literally wrenches your heart out to remove the person from your life.. I just really don't know.

Braced Myself For The Goodbye Cos It's All I've Ever Known

2011-01-13T10:44:00.003+08:00

I kept asking myself when it was all going to end, and now I've received my answer. My illusion was shattered and my head vehemently whispers, "I told you so." I guess some part of me expected it, but I was too cowardly to face it and maybe do something about it.
It isn't your fault but it really could've been mine. I voiced the concern and while it's mighty ironic that you are the one who experiences it, things mght have been different had I put my foot down and said no.
I'm really sorry things have to come to this. And after so many times, it really becomes pointless to lament over not listening to my head. I just never learn. It never gets ingrained in me that my head is correct, 11 times out of 10. There has never been an occasion where my head was wrong. Ridiculous hope that keeps telling me, maybe this time will be different.
And the irony of it all, I was musing about the different c_________ levels before that, feeling sad that I give so much but hardly get any in return. I was asking myself, "Why couldn't I give everything without expecting something in return?" After that, it dawns that it is the capacity you lack, rather than the desire to do so. Hence, I'd say it isn't your fault. But then again, at this juncture, pointing fingers obviously isn't going to solve anything, leading to my question: What do you want to do about it? Everything that needs to be said has been said, and I believe we're both pretty intelligent people who can figure out the outcome of such.
Things always have to come to this before I decide to agree with my head's position. To be completely devoid of emotion might not be such a bad thing after all. I don't get hurt, and the people I love don't get hurt either, effectively, a win-win situation. I think if you're one of the few readers, you'd notice this ongoing struggle I have between my heart and my head. Most people have it with the 'angel and devil', complete with minature cartoon depictions of the characters on either shoulder, urging you on. But you realise, nothing is ever quite so clear-cut in reality. It's not just black and white, but grey as well. Or maybe it is really clear-cut and straightforward, but we refrain from making a choice because there is opportunity cost incurred either way, causing us to dither and deliberate and fret over which option to go with.

I probably have more to say, but enough has been said, like previously mentioned, and I better learn the value of silence and passivity from now on.

"The Cards Will Tell: The Past, The Present And The Future As Well."

2011-01-02T17:36:00.006+08:00

Now whaddya know, it's a new year again. I guess every year I blog about the same things, looking back on how the past year has been. But after today's sermon by Pastor Oriel, I've learnt to focus on the future instead of my past. I guess the past is relatively important, but not of equal importance as compared to my future. It's like I can't change the past but I sure as heck can change my future.

Lots of things happened in the past year, both good and bad. I won't do a summary here since you can go through my archives if you really want to know! I've made as many smart decisions as incredibly stupid ones. I've made many many many friends, and lost a couple along the way...
But well, I had a promising start to the year with a heartening htht with Z, around 4-ish in the morning after he walked me home. Plus before that, I was at Siu Li's party where I got drunk for the first time in my life. That was prolly the last stupid decision of 2010. Ahah. Sooooo staying away from alcohol for the rest of 2011, even at after-prom!! Had a blast at Siu Li's; good food, good company. Plus I love her really really much. Too bad T couldn't make it. I'd have done almost anything to have T with me when the clock struck 12.

Happy 17th, babe! Love you always

Then it was a gathering with my parents' JC mates, where I finally met up with D again. I believe the last time I saw him was in Febuary 2009. Supposedly we're childhood playmates. Honestly, I don't remember a thing and neither does he. But I'm really glad I finally get to see him again. For one, he's quite cute and two, he's mighty intelligent. Words like intricate and complex come to mind when I think about him. Mmm, intelligence fetish. So yes, the first day of 2011 was a pretty good one.

On a side note, I think I've become marginally stupider since the year started. I made a major blunder, even as a biologist:

T: ... when the light reflects off me and into your eyes.
Me: You think you so shiny ah, can reflect light?!
T: If light doesn't
reflect off objects, how do you see?
Me: Oh shit. *face palms*

Extremelyyyy embarrassing. Thank God it's only with T and not anyone else. Phew.

I realised I haven't done any resolutions of sorts before (gasp!). I guess I'm prolly assuming I won't be able to follow them. Hahah. Assumption correct here... Well, I think I should make some since it is my 'A' level year after all and I'll hardly be blogging/Facebook-ing/tweeting. Well, here goes!!

Eat healthily. Cut down on junk food, sweetened drinks and unnecessary eating.

Bring a water bottle to school and drink religiously!

Finish all tutorials/homework/assignments ON TIME.

Okay I think that's all I'll set so I won't feel so failure-ish when I fail to keep my 3 resolutions!! I think 3 will be the greatest challenge. I need to DEES-SEE-PER-LEEN (okay don't bother trying to figure out, it's discipline) myself and get some self-control. Sheesh. I think the fact that my parents think I'm mature enough to handle my own time makes it worse. Hello, Mum and Dad, please chase me to do my work!!!

Oh yes, I finally cut my hair on 30 Decemeber. The stylist did a pretty fine job. Love my short short hair :)

Alright, back into the fray!! Studying for CAE. Next time I blog will prolly be after Open House, then Orientation. Maybe Friendship Week and Feedback Week and my birthday. Then stepping down (sobs!) most definitely. And that's prolly all!! Ahh, my final year in SA won't have take up much memory space here! :/

"You Really Need To Go Get Some Self-Esteem."

2010-12-30T00:34:00.001+08:00

Had a most wonderful day that was slightly tarnished by my silly minor breakdown. I really need to put 100% of these insecurities and fears away.. They're emerging like skeletons from my closet and it's high time I conquer them. Whatever happened to my sky-high self-esteem in secondary school? It's like JC has eroded my self-confidence. However, it is quite a fact that I'm no longer as smart as I thought I was. Breezed through secondary school but I just can't seem to do the same now. Sheesh. I'll do whatever it takes to get to the top, save for underhand methods, of course!!
Now excuse me while I go look for a vendor that sells self-esteem in a bottle so I can purchase some.

"PMS is every boy's worst nightmare."
- T

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (Y).

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly? Seriously?

2010-12-25T11:51:00.003+08:00

This time last year was much more hectic. I feel as if I don't have much to do, don't have much to play. Well, it's prolly due to the fact that I've got to mug. Sheesh. 'A' levels is no joke. I want my SAF scholarship after all.

I'd really give anything to have you with me right now. Miss you so damn much I could cry. Guess I don't have much to say anymore. It's Christmas alright, but I feel really sad. I could attribute it to PMS. And I will. Because there is nothing else you can blame for making you feel randomly sad on a day when Jesus is born and the reason behind "tis' the season to be jolly". Ironic much??

I surprise myself by letting myself rely so heavily on someone. So much potential for hurt and pain and disappointment, and yet, I'm still doing it. Do I trust T enough to be strong enough? Am I strong enough for T to lean on as well? I've always prided myself on being extremely independent and self-sufficient, acting as if I don't need anyone, not even God. Which we all know isn't true. There's this verse in the Bible that goes something like "Why do you rely on men for help?" Yep, humans are generally unreliable and not trustworthy. Oh what am I saying? I'm included in this race of homo sapiens. This is silly, how I moan the inadequacies of my own species, inadvertently moaning my own shortcomings that are inherent within me.

Take Care

2010-12-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

Over the next few days,
I pray that God will watch over your way.
May He be with you all the time,
even on the mountain you climb.
While we won't be kissing under the mistletoe,
lips red and faces all aglow,
I still have your present
which made our parting so poignant.
I could sing "Leavin' On A Jet Plane",
and cry as I watch the moon wane.
Or I could put on your present and smile at the moon,
knowing that I will see you very very soon.

An original from yours truly :)

I'd Rather Watch You Leave Than To Be The One To Walk Away

2010-12-16T23:57:00.002+08:00

You've been sweet, real sweet :) But I often wonder how long will this last. I keep thinking that all this bliss and happiness has to come to an end, sooner or later. And to prevent all the potential hurt from occuring, my mind seems to be preventing all these happy memories from being stored. I've been so used to goodbyes and so much hurt, I don't know how to properly treasure this miracle I've been blessed with. I pray that I'll be abe to really soon, so that you'll get what you deserve from me. You deserve nothing but the best and I would be shortchanging you if I gave anything less. You truly are an amazing miracle, you know :)

Mission #3 Accomplished

2010-12-10T14:33:00.001+08:00

Grad Night is over. After 8 months of toil, sweat, frustration and late-night meetings, I've seen the fruition of Grad Night committee's efforts, the cumulation of 8 months into a single night. My event, which was entrusted to me in April, is over. And I'm very proud to say I did more than my best for this.
All praise and honour goes to God for helping me pull off this event. I don't know what I'd do without Him.
While setting up the place and liaising with the hotel and all, it felt so surreal and I couldn't believe Grad Night 2010 was about to begin. Everything went smoothly without major hiccups and ended on time as well. Still, gotta gather feedback from the JC2s to see if the event was really a success. After all, this event commemorates their last night together as a cohort of SAJC.
At the very last part when everyone had their arms around each other singing the school hymn, I looked around and was overwhelmed. It was truly a sight to behold and etch in my memory :)

Like A Teenage Dream

2010-12-01T09:04:00.000+08:00

What is this, Lord? I don't know how to handle this..

Your words just melted the defenses. Maybe those defenses were put up so high, so strong and so insurmountable, just to see which soul cared to break them down to find what is inside the fortress.

This is the stuff fairytales are made of. All these warm emotions are unusual and out-of-place. I don't know whether to relish them because I'm tearing in happiness or to ignore them because of their ephemeral quality and potential to hurt so bad.
Tonnes of experience tells me to listen to my head. And I will, after I figure out what my head has decided to do.

Lord, reveal Your Will to me.

With This Pain In My Chest I Still Wish You The Best

2010-11-30T09:02:00.000+08:00

I'm finally giving away what I've been keeping for 4 months in hopes that you'd return. You never did. I don't know where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking, how you're doing.. God knows I tried a million times to talk to you. And today feels like the definite end.
I doubt I'll ever see you again. While it's a tremendous pity, I think it's best. I have no wish to meet such a smart and talented person, if it means potential severing of ties. You taught me valuable lessons. I wonder if I taught you any.. Cutting you out from the fabric of my life isn't as painful as I thought it be. In fact, it's a relief.
I'll still think of you. But I'll never consider the possibilities. You're a bright kid. I'm sure you'll make it big, and someday, I'll see you somewhere there with the rich and famous :)

With a forget you

Do You Not Possess Any Grey Matter?

2010-11-26T08:51:00.002+08:00

Your stupidity is beyond me. I am appalled by your decision. I have failed as a friend to keep you off the slippery path of stupidity. Anyhoo, imma practise my "I told you so" so I can say it most dramatically in your face. I'm giving this 6 months, tops. It's just so frustrating to know that you're going down the wrong path and yet I can't really do anything to stop you, short of murder or abduction.

The S Word

2010-11-22T09:47:00.001+08:00

There are really quite few people whose stupidity surpasses mine. And you my friend, Stupid Person #1, are one of them unfortunately. Everyone around you sees what's good for you and yet you persist in doing what you want simply because you're a "sentimental person". Frankly, it's just illogical words attempting to masquerade as a pathetic excuse. Use better excuses and start listening to the people who actually give a damn about you. ___ doesn't. So quit trying to hope and pretend ___ does.
Stupid Person #2 is just a swan lusting after toad flesh. You're so much better than that and yet you insist on confining yourself to such hideous unmentionable standards. People are slowly giving up trying to show you what's good and bad.

I think some words are written more to myself than to Stupid Person #1. Will take my own advice then..

See that bright round thing in the sky? That's called the sun and the Earth revolves around it, not you.

Apologies Never Cut It

2010-11-21T17:25:00.000+08:00

Not one of the smartest decisions I made, definitely. Scrape that, it was stupid. And I will be responsible for it.
Now it's how I can't and won't say anything to anyone. I'm so screwed up I scare myself, much less others. The extent of my messed up self seems to be increasing at an exponential rate so much so, an asylum may be in sight in the near future. I try to tell myself it's just ocassional slip-ups and mistakes. But the consequences are too harsh for me to dismiss my errors as insignificant. Society has never been tolerant of error or deviation from convention anyway. No one's ever going to accept the real me, save for God.
I don't think I'll ever speak of it to anyone except those who really need to know. It's a challenge keeping it inside but I think my pride will hold it in. Why couldn't I be normal and not such an extreme person? Never though I'd say this but being a doormat may have saved me a tonne of trouble.

Aspire to be a pushover?

Oh, Emotions. Schmuck.

2010-11-16T12:41:00.003+08:00

Surprise surprise. It was just an excuse after all. But I guess, you two deserve each other. He'll prolly disappoint you. I'm glad it no longer hurts to know you were just lying and playing around. I always vow never to be so naive and trusting but I never do. It never gets better. I know I'm still disappointed things just ended like that. It doesn't hurt anymore. I guess I was just wanting answers I didn't need.
And then there's you. So bloody annoying. I won't and refuse to start anything cos I'd just be playing with your feelings. I don't intend to ever get into any relationships for a really long time because the redundancy and monotony of it all has really hit me. Get together, break up, get together, break up. I can't and won't do such things that just burden me down. Get away from me.
Honestly speaking, it's mighty tempting to get into a relationship for the sake of getting into one. Sounds mighty immature and irrational. I'd end up hurting the poor fella and possibly turn him into a cynic of love like me. Hahah. Likely.
What a day of revelations. I'm proud for not being emotionally affected. At least not too much.

I'm Not Saying It Was Your Fault, Although You Could Have Done More. Oh, You're So Naive

2010-11-09T07:11:00.002+08:00

The title means more than anyone will ever know. I love puns, really. And what do you call puns with more than 2 meanings i.e. multiple meanings?

The similarities are disturbing. And you're silly, really. It might be grace but but it's still illogical and not worth it. But that's the essence of grace, no? Jesus showed us so much grace and mercy, even though it didn't make sense to save a bunch of people who hated him and wanted him dead, a bunch of people who were simply people to Him, the Almighty God.
Ironically, you never treasured me when I was around, and now you're talking about not treasuring her (despite what she did) when she was by your side. Honestly, I don't mind being there for you, but I really mind being the one you run to because you don't have anyone else to talk to. I don't and have never expected anything in return from you, maybe save for your friendship and company. But still it sucks to know that after all I've done, I only mean a fraction of nothing to you. Well, you're not the only one who's made me feel this way. It feels pointless to keep sending cheer-up texts, letters of encouragement, a million smiley faces when in the end, the receivers still feel sad because I don't mean nothing to them so all these don't have any impact on them. So stupid. Lately, I've really felt like giving up this whole thing. So tired, so pointless, so fruitless.
At the back of my mind, I can hear the Holy Spirit tell me I need to look long-term and not be bothered by the current lack of results. He tells me that what I'm doing is important in God's eyes and I should keep doing it to please Him. There's a reason why His Voice is at the back of my mind. I've let so many other things crowd out my heart and my mind till He's relegated to the back.
God, sometimes I hate that I'm so affectionate. I have to express my love for people, and it simply pours out of me uncontrollably and without warning. If I attempt to bottle it up and keep it all inside, in the end, it bursts out and I end up showering too much affection on a single person, smothering and suffocating him/her. Obviously not a fantastic consequence. Unless you're like - who needs TLC really badly.

"It's like I gained her, only to lose her."
"What do we gain in this world that we do not lose? Everything we gain right now or in the future, will be lost eventually."

You Came Into My Life And I Thought Hey You Know This Could Be Something

2010-11-02T15:33:00.002+08:00

Will try my bestest not to blog such sad posts, as Sean puts it. Rather, I should focus on contemplative, philosophical and reflective ones. Hehe.
Done with my work for the day. Now it' just PW PW PW PW since Chinese is over. Oh yes, I forgot to mention! Chinese 'A's are overrrrrr, I don't have to touch Chinese ever again. Chinese, oh Chinese, what would I do without you? Teehee.
Fully immersed in council work now, namely, Grad Night and Orientation. I'm ever so determined to ensure that Grad Night is a bloomin success. All these expectations seem to spur me on instead of daunt me.
This. Is. Boring. I. Don't. Have. Anything. To. Say.
Really.

Hope

2010-11-01T19:26:00.000+08:00

Recently I read a book that reminded me of you. Most appropriately, it was a tragic romance. The protagonist lost her love permenantly, not due to death or unforseen circumstances, but by choice. You rarely come across such painfully honest and realistic books anymore. People say they want the truth, but the truth is, do they really want it? Can they handle it? I think not. I do know that I've lost you, albeit not by my choice. But hope refuses to be absent, and I still hope that we'll somehow meet again. This unexplanable resilience of the human spirit is annoying to pragmatists, and yet, strength to idealists and romantics.

Fireworks.

Pink Graphic Calculator

2010-10-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

I feel like so many people are just drifting away from me. Is it something I did or said? Why are you leaving like that? I know, I know, it sounds so weak to need friends like that, but it's the ones who were really really close that are drifting away. And so many at one shot. Incidentally, I realised they're all boys. Maybe boys generally make better confidantes to me...
Firstly, there's A, whom I used to text daily with lots of hearts and smileys. We only knew each other for such a short while and yet we were so close. Drifting doesn't occurs overnight but I don't know when it started. I recently called him and found that it took effort to hold a simple conversation. Sigh.
Secondly, D whom I really love. But he's seem to have moved on to other friends and speaks to me only when he needs something from me. Such a disappointment.
Thirdly, there's N. I don't know what to say anymore and I don't think I have anymore to say. I just miss him so much.

"If you don't adapt to change, you get left behind."

Irreparable

2010-10-25T02:31:00.004+08:00

It's as if we'll never see eye to eye. We're so similar and yet so different, and it's seemingly irreconcilable. I think it's come to a point where I don't care if you care anymore, I don't care if I still have your trust, I don't care what you think or what you say anymore. I'm just so tired of somehow always being the one going against you, intentionally or not. It's stupid, you ask questions who's answers you won't even believe or consider. Then what's the point of asking those questions? You always think the worst of me (can't say I blame you though...) but right now, it doesn't seem to bother me. What used to grate my nerves and hurt me has become commonplace such that I've been hurt and disappointed too much it feels the same.
Often I do wonder what it'll be like if x hadn't happened and you honestly cared. Granted you probably do care, deep down under that supposedly hard shell that's just growing brittle and weak... You're absolutely horrible at showing it and I just don't care for your affection and love anymore. If I had it now, it would seem strange and awkward and out of place. So let the loss just sweep over me and consume me, till I can't differentiate between what I've lost and what is still there. Anyway, all that is lost need not also be perished.
I used to crave your attention and praises so damn badly. In everything I did, I'd wonder if you'd ever be proud of me. I'd wonder if I was good enough to meet your standards which I took as my benchmark. I strove so hard to please you but it was never enough. In the end, it has come to this ambivalence where I don't care and I don't want to care. Years of anger and hurt have just dwindled down to quiet nonchalance. Maybe while x was happening, my envisioning life without you helped me to face the reality that you might just leave. In my mind's eye, I adjusted my life to accommodate your absence to ensure that my life and their lives as well, ran as smoothly without hindrance as it would when you were around. I was determined that nothing stand in my way of maintaining the life they were comfortable with. They do matter to me, more than you ever think or perceive my ability to care. Curiously, I think I'm just about as caring as you.

Alright, horribly emo post that scorned a tear or two from my manly eyes (Richard III). Sigh. Literature is slowly but surely turning me into a cynical person, a far cry from the cheery yellow sunflower someone once described me as.

So many things I don't know what to say or do, Lord. I really need Your Guidance and wisdom because all I'm doing doesn't work. All I'm doing seems to be to no avail. I'm so tired and I really need Your Strength to sustain me. Haven't had this drained feeling in ages and I pray You'll come and just fill that hole in me.

And wow-whee, I was looking back at some of the poems I randomly composed and I think they're pretty good! I know I know, self-praise is no praise and yet, I'm absolutely shocked that I'm the one who wrote those, so says my archives. Wowww.
I know this sounds horribly self-obsessed but reading through recent archives makes me feel better, encouraged in some funny way. Will do more reminiscing of these ancient posts.

HAHAH someone just asked me on Formspring why Grad Night planning is "lousy", quote the person. Replied!! :) And you guys out there, gimme some loveeeee? So I know this blog isn't solely functioning as an advertisement site?? Hehe.
Ashley's Formspring

Differences

2010-10-22T23:43:00.002+08:00

Things have changed so much since I last left. We don't talk anymore, it's as if I've moved on to a totally different country. Things have changed so much. I feel so distant from you. I suddenly remember the old times where we were so close and we spoke so often. Now it's even difficult to elicit a simple "hi" from you. Well, not that I blame you except for not telling me aout certain things. Circumstances and different situations caused this seemingly irreparable rift. Sigh. You were a nice part of my life for a short period. I really cared for you. But now it doesn't really matter whether you still care or not. Because I don't anymore. The difference is just vast and a little disorientating.

Weird Images

2010-10-20T00:35:00.003+08:00

Had a most enlightening albeit weird conversation about porn with a friend. He misheard me and one thing lead to another. Ah well.

"Do girls watch porn?"
"98% of men watch porn. The other 2% are either gay or deeply
religious."
"Porn has different genres."

It was, um, mindopening, to say the least. Makes me realise how sheltered and naive I am. I thought coming across stuff on tumblr was bad enough, but the conversation told me there's worst out there *shudders* Guess I'm the typical girl who doesn't have a clue why guys are so turned on by jpeg images of naked women and all. Hmmm, porn. Aiyoh.

Oh dear, another post blatantly displaying my ignorance and naivity for the world to see. Ah, go ahead, see if I care that you call me naive.

On another note, I still think of - ocassionally. And I still wonder whether - thinks of me. Or did I never mean anything to -, in spite of what - said. The disappointment and regret still lingers. I wonder when will those feelings go away. I haven't experienced such a great sense of loss in a long time. I still wish things could have turned out differently. I still wish I hadn't ben so hesitant and ignorant. Tsk. - ~~was~~ is really important to me. Really really important. All friends are, much less _____. Curiously, we had nothing much to begin with. So there was actually nothing to lose. Then again, I forget to take into account the wasted potential and lost opportunities. Sometimes I feel like I'm begging - to come back so we can go back to what we used to be. But God's Will be done, no, - is not supposed to be important anymore. Time and season for everything. The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. Oh well *tone of resignation*

Well, well. Who'd guess being overtly friendly has its fair share of problems as being totally unfriendly? Balance balance, moderation moderation. Sigh.

My Toenail Hurts

2010-10-18T23:08:00.002+08:00

This is awfully weird. Such unwanted attention. Never thought I'd be the one who gets it.

Basketball todayyyy. And it was awesome, albeit I sprained my other ankle. Yep, I sprained my right ankle on Thursday, and today, it's the left. Sheesh. Feels ridiculously stupid and unfortunate. Gonna have a lot of difficulty climbing stairs and walking up and down slopes. Bah. Thank you Isaac, Ryan, Ivan, Brandon and all the other sweet boys who were so caring :) Makes me feel really fortunate to have known you guys! :)

And then there's you. Sigh. I guess I shouldn't have been so open with you. I didn't know you'd feel that way. Sheesh. You're blinded, seriously. I need to stay away from you and it's gonna seem like I'm ignoring you. Damn, I hate handling these kind of issues. Which part of "NO" do you not understand? I stand by what I say and no amount of supposedly logical reasoning is gonna make me change my mind unless I want to. I'm stubborn that way. So sue me.

Finding My Other Half. Literally

2010-10-15T16:00:00.003+08:00

It is still rather disappointing. I wonder if you occasionally think of me like I do. Sigh, maybe if I had been clearer and less hesitant in handling things, the situation might have been different. Look at us now; two lonely souls searching for something.

The Greeks told this fantastic story that right back at the beginning of human life, we were actually composite people, we were joined. Pairs of people were joined, I suppose round the middle, and they had four legs and four arms, two backs and two heads. But these composite characters were really uppity and always making fun of the gods. So Zeus, the king of the gods, got pissed and said, "Right, I’m going to split you down the middle to make you less powerful and less arrogant.’ And added, "If you don’t keep quiet, I’ll split you again, and you can hop about on one leg."
The Greeks had this story which told them that we used to be joined to another person and now we’re separated. And they saw love as the desire to get back to the bit you’d been split off from. So they had this very seductive image that there was another person out there who was the perfect fit for you, and that once you got together with that person you’d be made whole again, and it would be perfect for both sides, so the other person would want you just as much as you wanted them. They’d be right for you and you’d be right for them. And after that, you’d have no more loose ends, no more stray bits, you’d never want anyone else, you’d be completely happy for the rest of your life.

Such a incredible legend. It's so true, that you and I had such a rare connection. I know a million ways in which we're not meant to be, not supposed to be. But it was just that unexplainable, inextricable connection where I know you felt the way I did, and you know nothing's going to ever be the same after this. Perhaps this is what finding your other half is like. Perhaps it's just an illusion, an exaggeration by my own feelings to make you seem like the one for me. I don't know what it is, but things have definitely been different after you. I finally know what I'm looking for, and I'm still wondering if anyone else can replicate that connection. If so, then this "rare connection" thing is bullshit. If not, well, it's pretty self-explanatory.

I'm really surprised to hear people tell me they still read my blog. Wow, I feel so honoured to know some people care enough to even read this abandoned bit of cyberspace! ♥

A New Fantastic Point Of View

2010-10-14T21:37:00.003+08:00

I try to be nice. I really do. As stupid and naive as that behaviour seems. Sigh.

Promos are over and I still can't believe my JC1 life has passed so quickly just like that. Council has been so enriching and I really thank God for the opportunity to be developed in that area. It has taught me so many things and I really really really love SAJC 33rd SC ♥ Words fail to describe the countless awesome experiences with the whole council. I'm so very sure that I'll cry during stepping down. My experience has been absolutely incredible. And now that promos have ended, here comes the issue of whether I'll get promoted. No doubt I studied real hard and covered all bases, but JC's really different from secondary school. In secondary school, even if I didn't study for a test, I can still ace it. Now, even with revision, I'm still failing. Which makes me feel absolutely stupid. Really really stupid and inadequate. Even with my day-to-day interactions with people, I feel so small and humbled by the numerous geniuses I come across. I'm always like "why didn't I think of that?" Bahhhh. This feeling of inadequacy absolutely sucks. But it is in my weakness that He is strong. So I'm really just committing my promos into His Hands. I had an unexpected reminder from Him through such an unexpected person that I just need to do my best and God will do the rest. I still have that nagging ominous feeling that I will be retained and loss my councillor status and all, but it's really all in His Hands. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be Your Name. Not easy at all, since council means so damn much to me, and I'll be letting down so many people who care about me.

It's been more than 2 months since those 2 days and I'm really over it. I've learnt much and in retrospect, I'm glad you happened because it made me so much wiser. Christina Augilera's Fighter always plays in my head when I recall this issue:

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

I guess all things do work out for the good of those who love Him. It's just that we can never see it while we're still embroiled and caught up in the situation.

Been playing lots and lots of basketball. Absolute pure fun :) At least I know I kinda have the potential to do well in this area, never mind that I'm intellectually handicapped sometimes. Hehe. Made lots of new friends which makes Ashley a happy girl :) New friends are always so interesting and such a novelty! I hope this basketball craze dies down soon! I was dying to play during promos and it's like I'm finally satisfying my wants now. Teehee. 2 broken toenails, bruises in my toenails, injured ankle, and tired aching feet have been the price I pay for hardcore basketball that I absolutely love. On a side note, I think my toes are the ugliest things on earth now. I don't even wanna look at them! :(

PW week now and I just wanna get over and done with it. Of course, doing it well too ah. I'm really thankful for good PW groupmates who take initiative and mostly get work done on time to the best of their abilities. There are quarrels and frustrations sometimes, but they're usually ironed out in no time :) Praise the Lord! I really want my A for PW and I think it's really possible at the rate we're going! Woohoo~!

I'm totally laying off the opposite sex and not even gonna consider starting anything till after my As. It's proven to be way too difficult to handle and I'm not about to screw up my As for a guy who'll be insignificant to me 10 years down the road.

I Never Told You What (I Thought) I Should Have Said. And It Was A Wise Choice.

2010-09-30T01:54:00.000+08:00

Need to get this load off my chest and 140 character tweets weren't doing the job.
Had a very enlightening late night htht with T. Told me plenty of things I never knew which left me appalled, indignant and yet wiser. - is truly a loser. The fact has never been more obvious to me than it is right now. Right now I'm just berating myself for being so stupid for not being able to tell. While I feel immense pity for -, I'm absolutely disgusted by -'s actions. Fickle-minded, underhanded and sly. I rarely, oh-so-rarely dislike people but you may be on your way to becoming one of them! Thank goodness for T who opened my eyes to such issues. I'm glad the whole - issue is over. What the heck was I thinking. Still, how could you, -? I'm disgusted...
Sometimes I really hate myself for being so ~~f_c_i_g~~ naive. It's like I'm stupid or something. I thought, for once, someone normal. Unfortunately, I thought wrong. Blast.

A Whole Bunch Of Philosophical Sayings

2010-09-28T14:44:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time since I felt so genuinely happy. It's occured to me how self-centred I've been, how inward looking. It's absolutely refreshing to take on a new perspective and re-focus on thinking of others before myself.
I was having this internal dilemma with myself over having what I want but not wanting what I have. It then struck me how we care so much for those who don't give a shit about us and yet, we don't give a shit about those who care so much for us. The irony hit me like a fist in the face and I was made aware of my ungratefulness and how I'm always pining for something that I don't have and whining about the things I've yet to get. What about the things I already have? What about the people who already love me? Then a friend posted on Twitter:
The grass seems greener on the other side simply because we cannot see the
weeds from where we're standing.

I couldn't agree more. It was then that I decided that I'd quit being such a wimpy girl who cares only about herself and all the issues she's going through. Definitely these issues are not small but there are so many others with worse ones out there. Therefore, I came up with this:

I can't always have what I want but I can always want what I already
have.

Totally made me stop pining for you. So over this. No longer expecting replies I'll never get, no longer expecting acknowledgements you'll never give. I really can't be a pessimist as hard as I try. I'm still going to be extra nice and all, I really can't help myself. Sometimes it's sickening how I can't stay angry with people at all. Like almost never. Gah. So I've found my way to br really happy. And that makes me really really happy.
The amount of happiness that is radiating from me is ridiculous. It's like off the charts.

Endings Are The Start Of New Beginnings

2010-09-22T16:09:00.002+08:00

I'm so over this whole shit about you not caring anymore, because it's come to the point where I don't (want) to care anymore. Many opinions have come forward about you, making me realise how severely lacking you are. No doubt I loved you (there, I said it), no doubt you loved me. But nah, I won't settle for something that's not what I want.
If ever (what are the chances, anyway?) you come back looking for me, I don't think I want this anymore. Not anymore. Really. I was really happy, but I guess happiness is not all there is to it. I've thought about it for the past month and decided that you'll be assigned to a vaguely special part of my memory. Some place that I ocassionally pull out certain memories to remember the lessons learnt from these mostly painful experiences.
Still, it really is such a shame that we've lost that rare connection. I've never experienced it before, and I never will. Neither do I want to. It's terrifying, when there's that chance that you might have to let go of the one thing you've grasped at in the longest time. I'd wish for your friendship, but I think it's better I stay out of your life totally. It was really nice knowing you and having such a wonderful time during those two days. I'd never forget, but I won't let myself remember either. This is truly the end of things, and I wish you all the best. Don't forget me, cos I won't forget you.

I Promise I'll Go Study For Promos After Ranting

2010-09-09T14:32:00.004+08:00

After all this time, I still regret, and I'm still disappointed. I hold on too tightly to things. I'd like to erase you from my life and forget about all the awesome things that happened. You literally run away every time you see me. But frankly, if I were to see you somewhere, I'd run away too. I wish my face wasn't so darn expressive. I don't want you to see the shock flash across my face, splashed with hurt, regret and disappointment.
There's so many things left unsaid, left undone, left uncompleted.

It's Over. Right?

2010-09-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

This really random surge of sadness that's sweeping over me now. You're suddenly on my mind. The clothes I can't wear because it reminds me of what you like. The pictures I can't bear to look at because we're both smiling in them. The places I can't go to anymore because of the memories they hold. The songs I can't ever play on the guitar because you used to play them. Sometimes I can't even look at my reflection, knowing you treasured this ugly piece of shit and yet, now you're treating it for what it truly is: shit.
I pray and I hope it's another random bout of depression brought about by God-knows-what! I've been decidely happy the whole day, why does this have to spoil a nice ending to a day I would have graded a B+? Gahhhhh.
Is all this due to too much late-night eating??

Mission #2 Accomplished

2010-09-01T13:56:00.004+08:00

It seemed such a short while ago that we succeeded in our Open House. Read here.
And now, Teachers' Day is over and it was another fantastic job well done!! Credits to Gerald Toh and Wee Keong, Teachers' Day I/Cs '10 and their committee for planning everything so well. Council dance was absolutely fantastic, it's on Facebook (: And soon on youtube! Everything went pretty smoothly throughout the whole concert and everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves tremendously, even the students. Mr. Chua received a lot of positive feedback from the teachers already and I can see the Student Council's popularity increasing exponentially.
After watching the dance video for the millionth time or so, I'm so amazed that 40 odd people, mostly with no dance background whatsoever, can dance in such a synchronized and professional manner that it blows me away. This is my council, this is the standards we have and this is the kind of results we produce. Words cannot even express how incredibly proud I am to be part of SA's 33rd Student Council. 31 August 2010 is a day that won't be easy for me to forget.
Now that Teachers' Day is over, Grad Night is next!!!! *screams* After seeing both Open House and Teachers' Day cumulate to such a great success, I feel the pressure to maintain or even better that standard. I won't let Joel down, I won't let my committee down and I won't let the council down.

Girls' (sluts) dance. Teehee.

Boys' dance trying to imitate the girls' dance actions. HAHAH.

And again. Sexy expressions!!!

With our partners. Awww, so lovey-dovey!! :D

Me and my dance partner, Irwin!

All performers on stage! Credits to Hosung (:

As Unremarked As Daylight

2010-08-30T15:49:00.003+08:00

Teachers' Day just round the corner and the pressure is mounting.

Things have pretty much gone back to normal. Your absence in my life has become the norm and I'm no longer confused or still wondering why you behave like that. It's come to a point where it isn't important anymore. The only emotion I feel is disappointment, in you, and myself. That maybe things could've turned out differently had I said or did something from the very start. Maybe things would be different if you hadn't tried so damn hard to avoid me like the plague. Maybe we might still be friends if we were both mature enough to address the issue from a different perspective. Lots of maybes that I hope will receive some concrete answers but it won't be anytime soon... And it won't be nice to press you for answers, not when you're going through a crucial and critical period of your life. I'll wait, I'll be patient, and hopefully, my patience pays off.

On a really sad side note, I gave my kitty away. It wasn't performing its function anyway (not any of Extra's fault). I still need something more substantial than a kitty or a new bag or a new pair of heels to shower my affection on. Sometimes, I think I should stop being so caring and affectionate. It threatens to spill out of me and engulf the people around me if I can't give it to someone I really really love. This is like some freak paradox where I've got so much to give and yet I don't want to give it to just any Tom, Dick or Harry (or Jane, May or Sally, if you'd like). Tsk. All this angst is annoying, albeit it's pretty mild compared to what I was feeling before.

I'm so through with all the petty politics. Supposedly you know me but you just can't accept me. Sheesh. I'm so done with all that nonsense. I'm done with fretting whether you're okay with me, whether I'm socially acceptable (to the hell with conventions) and all. I'm decidedly feeling really Sylvie-ish so let me be. Hah. Housekeeping and Richard III are becoming my favourite texts. They're my Literature texts for this year and I'm so gonna do my utmost best to do so damn well, you won't have anything to say cos it'll shut you up for the rest of your time around me. Which will probably be a relatively short period of time with the way you're behaving now. Oh well, your bad, your lose.

So Are You Trying To Let Me Know You're Better Off Alone?

2010-08-25T00:28:00.004+08:00

This. Is some difficult period that I'm going through. All the more difficult because I can't say anything to anyone, not that anyone cares. So all this angst, frustration and disappointment is threatening to surface and this is prolly my only output cos my diary isn't sufficient. In the end, I'm always without fail, the one who ends up sad and unhappy. Truth to be told, being happy is more of an attitude than an emotion and recently, I've just lost that positive outlook and like a grey cloud on a cold day, a general feeling of vague depression has settled over me. Sure I smile, sure I laugh. But it's always for the moment and after that, it seems like the moment never happened. Unfortunately, burying myself under work doesn't help anymore. This depression appears way too deep-seated to be simply solved by being a workaholic. It just doesn't work like it used to. And I'm at a loss at how to temporarily block out those sad feelings so I can focus on what's really important.
I know I'm disappointed that all this with - could have been prevented. Simply by not indulging myself and listening to my heart. It hurts like madness, that kind of mind-numbing, intense pain that grips you and floods your thoughts. And even now, I'm still holding on so tight to words you probably never meant or forgot already. I guess it is a wise choice to remove you from my life so completely it's as if you never existed. But then, there are so many constant reminders of you; A, the pictures, the mutual friends. It's not going to be easy and I still haven't properly contemplated if ripping you out from the cloth that is my life is the best solution. Some silly optimistic part of me holds back, still hoping there's a chance for reconciliation.
Someone told me he'd like the old Ashley back. I'd like that too, but first I gotta get rid of this imposter who's in possession of her body now. And I need go look for her because she disappeared when - disappeared.

Kitty Option: Failed

2010-08-23T00:40:00.002+08:00

David Choi's songs are indescribable! I'm still floored, even after putting "That Girl" and "Won't Even Start' on repeat for the past 5 days, learning how to play both songs on the guitar, singing them 24/7 and watching him at Baybeats on Saturday. He's so damn charming and his lyrics describe exactly how I feel about -, how it's all new and scary and unfamiliar all over again.

I'm still disappointed and trying real hard not to be bothered but I always care too much. I got a kitten to transfer my affections to but it doesn't work. I got 2 new bags and that was as ineffective. I love Extra but I realized I need something more.

And If I See You On The Street

2010-08-19T01:48:00.005+08:00

My new loveeeee!

I'm disappointed that things turned out this way. I don't know what went wrong and you won't enlighten me. I'm really crestfallen that things have come to this; we don't even speak or acknowledge each others' existence. Maybe when I look back a few months from now, I'll see my error. But right now, all I want is to talk, sing and laugh with you again. To go back to what we were before, who cares about those 2 days. What we had before was better. No complications, no awkwardness. It haunts me, night after night, that I should have said what I wanted to. And curb that rising terror that I'd lose control. On hindsight, I already had.
I think you're still important to me. I think it hasn't come to the point where I regret ever meeting you, ever being where I was when I wasn't supposed to be. I'm still thanking God for the best 2 days of 2010 so far. The fireworks would have made it perfect, my bit of heaven on earth.
Tsk, I need to stop being so distracted and start concentrating on what really matters like my promos and Grad Night. Gah. You're a beautiful distraction, you know. Too bad (or is it good?) that I have so few pictures of you. Going to places we've never been to. Taking the most gorgeous pictures. Frolick. Pool. Sigh.

I miss everything about you.
Can't believe that I still want you.
After all that we've been through.
I miss everything about you.
- I Never Told You, Colbie Caillat -

In The End, I Still Regret

2010-08-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

I was really looking forward to watching the fireworks with you.

Dilemma

2010-08-06T00:34:00.004+08:00

There's something about you. Something special I've never seen before. So sensitive and thoughtful. A long time ago, Z was, but never to that extent. Incidentally, you smell so familiar, like Z. Memories of the past coming back to mock me eh? Well, you're sweet but I never get such good ones anyway. I'll never be able to stand out, considering you spend more time with them than me. Considering you know them longer than me. Oh well. I'll admire from afar, and look out for you, as I would with any other close friend. But seriously, I've never met anyone like you and I'm mighty curious. I want to know what makes you tick, what do you really want, what are you thinking, why you do what you do.
People like you just come into my life as you wish eh? It's mighty interesting that I'm drawn to your weaknesses and quirks. Maybe I found someone who thinks like me. Maybe. Highly unlikely. Keep your hopes low, Ashley.
And I'll never tell you. I just can't bring myself to admit that I've lost control. What are the chances of you telling me first anyway -.- Tsk.

Had a really terrible day in school today. Many thanks to Ivan, Ben, Nigel and Nico for attempting to cheer me up (: I really appreciate it boys, especially Ivan (:

Nothing Left To Say

2010-08-05T01:27:00.002+08:00

Exhausted. Brain dead.

I'm still disappointed. And is it some sort of mockery that as soon as you leave, another is so eager to take your place? No, I refuse to allow myself the privilege of having a human being I can always turn to. Because you're gonna disappoint me in the end. I've set the expectations too high, and for you, you don't even bother to attempt or pretend to meet these expectations. Forget it, I simply won't impose anything on you. Likewise, don't impose yours on me and just stay out of my life.

Gah. So angsty. I'm sorreh, just bear with me, it's a phase...

Rash

2010-08-04T00:32:00.003+08:00

Issue #1: Feelings
Such unreliable and ephemeral sensitivity that sometimes, I really detest having. I don't like looking at x and swooning quietly in my mind. I don't like being irrational and doing rash things just because I feel like it. I'm so refraining from spending too much time with x. Definition of too much time? No idea. It's gonna take a ginormous amount of willpower to walk away from something so gorgeous. I pray this doesn't last and the monotony and routine of work will just sweep these feelings away.

Issue #2: Suicide
Did you think I was going to let you go just like that? Did you think it would be so easy to do as you said, "Go to sleep, it's late." Bull, I care more than you'll ever know. I meant it when I said that I'll be there for you, whether it's at 3 in the morning or if you're stuck in Timbuktu. And you, it was a mistake to call you, to actually ask you for help. Forget I did it. An error and misjudgment on my part.

Issue #3: Time
It's August already and I'm up to my eyeballs in work. It's really fun and really exhausting. I want a break but I need to continue and press on. The ultimate dilemma between doing what I want and what I should. Doing what I should has often, if not always, proven to be the correct option.

Issue #4: Friends? Good friends?
You make a mockery of the phrase "good friends", as shallow and superficial as the phrase already is. I had to find out about these kind of things from someone else. Can you imagine how it makes me feel, to know that you aren't completely honest and open with me, even though I am? I feel shortchanged. Forget this shit. Just one less person to inform of my supposedly mundane and dull life. Get on with yours and go find another bunch of people to call your "good friends" because I refuse to be associated with such a degrading phrase.

Mission #1 Accomplished

2010-08-01T20:35:00.002+08:00

Open House was absolutely fantastic. My first official council event and I'm mighty glad we pulled it off. Special credits to Hae In and Marilyn for doing a commendable job of planning the Open House within such a short period of time. Now that you guys have got experience, you can do even better at Open House 2011. I believe you guys can stretch your potential even more. Love you so much.
And that goes to 33rd as well!

I'm going to make it a point to have a moment to myself to remember and etch every single memory of council life in my brain every council event/meeting/outing. This is something I never want to forget. Something I want to be able to tell my kids and feel ridiculously proud of (and with good reason!). The 33rd Student Council means so much to me, it's like my third family (: So blessed to have so many foster families in my life!

2010-07-29T15:44:00.000+08:00

I think about you. Do you?
I barely know you. Do you know me?
I miss you. Do you?
I hope to see you around? Will you smile at me?
I want to sing with you. Do you play the guitar?

All I Am, To You, Lord

2010-07-27T23:42:00.003+08:00

I'm so tired and emotionally drained. I need You now, Lord. Everything I have I owe to You. I lay down my life for You. Take it and use it. It always has to come to this when I can't take the amount of work, when I can't bear all these burdens, Lord won't You take them from me. Help me to seek rest in You because Your Yoke is gentle and easy. I really don't know what to do now and I want to be able to say "I'm leaving it to God", and mean it from my heart. I want to be able to fully rely on You for strength and guidance and stop trying to do everything by my own wisdom, for Your Foolishness is even wiser than the wisdom of men.

I really really need someone to talk to. I need to stop talking to my guitar and typing in some godforsken blog obscured in the vastness of cyberspace.

"Everyone Knows Your Name"

2010-07-26T23:26:00.002+08:00

That line is still ringing in my ears, in a bad way. No, it's not a good pick-up line, Colin -.-" I still can't figure out how on earth N knows me. As if I'm mighty famous/infamous in school or something... Gosh. I need to stop going to the SL so often. Unwanted and unnecessary attention that can be avoided.
Hmmm, maybe this "attention" can be used for Grad Night's publicity!!! :D
I'm so determined to make Grad Night 2010 a huge success for 33rd Student Council!
Recently I've come across this pretty cute looking guy. I told Don about it and he agrees that J looks cute but predicts my eyecandy won't last more than a month. Then it struck me how fickle I am. How I change my preferences just like that. At first there was C, who doesn't like me (for some reason or another). Then G, who's still really sweet but not cute-looking anymore. There was P who lasted all of 2 weeks because I didn't have time to think of him. Sheesh. Anyway, I need to start being constant and stop being such a volatile and capricious girl with fluctuating tastes.
No good lah. Anyone with long lashes and treats me nice, instant attraction. But such temporal and superficial attraction, or more aptly, infatuation, that leaves me as soon as it hits me.
Okay, moving on! I don't know what was all that ranting about!
During today's Housekeeping lecture, it struck me how the theme of loss is so closely related to the storyline of Inception. When my brain's actually functioning correctly, I'll blog about it. Which is probably never. I know I say it often that I'll blog about it later but later never comes. Ahah.

They come and go. Won't you please stay?
You know you want to. Just say the word and I'll be there.
You don't know what you're up against. Don't underestimate me.
It ain't a pick-up line, babe.

So There Is Such Thing As Too Much Love

2010-07-25T00:52:00.003+08:00

I love you too much to let you know that you're the one who's disappointing me. It could be that I expect more from you than him, which leads to greater disappointment. Still, it hurts me to let you know that you're hurting me. So I'll just keep quiet. Ironically, you're the only one I can tell. But I won't. Please, please, don't ask me anymore. You mean way too much for me to let you go just like that.
I think I'm gonna need the hat that Maya Angelou talks about; a hat strapped down on the sides of my head that keeps my thoughts (not my brains) from spilling out. And I'll probably have to stop talking to you because you know me so well. It's unnerving to have someone who knows you inside out and can predict your thoughts and actions so well. I do love you so very much, but it's time I stayed away. Again.

"The butterfly is a flying flower,
The flower a tethered butterfly."
~Ponce Denis Écouchard Lebrun

I Don't Know What Is The Point Of This Post

2010-07-13T23:41:00.004+08:00

Mr. L used to be quite cute a while back, when I still could say I knew him. Boyish look, thick hair, talented musician. And yet now, the appeal is gone. Maybe I've moved on to different types of guys but it may jolly well be that I don't know Mr. L anymore. Frankly, we were never really close to begin with. It just struck me when I was on his Facebook page how much has changed just within 4, 5 years. Mr. L was humorous and a lil flirtatious, the kind of guy who knew girls thought he was cute and played it to his advantage. MCP much?
Mr. L's best friend, Mr. N, was my first infatuation that was an eye-opening experience, now that I look back on it. It was amusing and the typical infatuation where Mr. N was near perfect to me. Perfect skin, unique brand of humour, little boy look and a talented musician as well. On a random note, I can't remember whether his lashes were long or not and whether he had good teeth. Anyhoo, it was literally love at first sight and lasted all but 4 months. Hah. Now Mr. N's gone as well, and for the life of me, I can't see why I ever liked him. It's weird how my fetishes for guys change so quickly. Right now, Mr. L and Mr. N are like 2 lost friends now. I wonder if I'll ever get them back. Both will prolly be quite shocked at how much I've changed. I think I'm at the stage where the change is most rapid and significant.

I don't wanna be 18 ): Or 21. Or anything beyond 17. Who cares if I'm still a minor, can't drive, can't purchase alcohol (what are friends for?), can't purchase cigarettes (like I ever will) and can't vote. Gah.

This is no good. I'm a terrible judge of appearance. As long as you treat me nicely, listen to me rant and just generally be NICE, I'll think you're cute. So, in my opinion, there are loads of cute people around me. Gosh. In a way, it is good as well. My future partner will never be chosen based on looks! Teehee. That's another way at looking at it!

I think I will get a tumblr after looking at the superrr nice layouts that Blogger totally loses out to. I think the few reasons why I'm still sticking to Blogger is the amount of archives I have here plus sheer laziness. Ahah.

//EDIT
I do have a tumblr. Hmmm. Since when?

Ashley's tumblr

Doesn't mean I'm moving hokay! This blog has plenty of sentimental value to me!
And the smarter kids would be able to find out who Mr. L and Mr. N are simply by going through my blog archives! Whoops, did I just tell you how to find out their identities?

I Don't Like Feelings...

2010-07-13T00:34:00.003+08:00

Oh dear, it's been a really long while since I've felt like that. I know it spells trouble. I know it means chaos. I know it puts me on a roller coaster ride and sets off a chain of reactions that I can't stop once it starts. I don't wanna think about it, I don't wanna talk about it. It's impossible, I shouldn't even be writing this but there's no one I can tell. Gosh, that sounded really sad... Okay, it's prolly a case of I-won't-tell-anyone-cos-I'm-too-proud. This pride, such an obstacle. You, knew me. Knew how I felt, my innermost thoughts, what I liked, and yet, now we're almost strangers. You, knew how I hated being left out, my insecurities, how I find people who treat me well cute, why I cry so rarely, why I seek perfection. In the end, the 'we' is gone. Well, can't say I blame you. No one can listen to me talk unconditionally, considering that I talk way too much.
Okay, I digress. This post shouldn't be about you. It should be about feeling something I don't want and should not be feeling.
It's really been a looooooong time since such funny and awkward feelings. I don't want you to know, and yet it's interesting to find out what if you do. Funny funny tingly feelings.

I absolutely hate it when someone makes me feel emotions I don't want to feel.

I'm Not According To You

2010-07-12T12:12:00.002+08:00

I'm so darn tired and whacked out by school stuff.
First up, there's Grad Night with all the pressure (mostly from myself) to perform well, I think Sean and I are doing alright. It's the amount of work that's killing me. I will do well, but the process to getting there is horrendous. The tight deadlines on top of school work and stupid PW is madness. Hats off to Nicki and Joel who actually survived this term. Y'know, now I'm even more determined to get above these obstacles, to stretch my limits even further.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect
- Psalm 18:32 -

Then there's PW which is a killer, maybe due to bad time management. I need to put more effort into it! And remember to remind my group members to remember their deadlines! I can't believe that SRJC people are already into writing their written report. My goodness, they're terribly fast!
There's other council commitments like blazer committee and other events; Teachers' Day, Open House, College Day. On hindsight, I really thank God for not putting me in the ex-co.
Goshh, JC life is no joke!!
This is all on top of normal studies (gah, Literature), church commitments and family stuff. Gahhh, JC life is flying by so quickly, I'm already halfway through this superlative-laden journey.

Back to work now!!

Falling, shopping, laughing, serving.

Why Do I Tire Of Counting Sheep? Cos There's None Left Already.

2010-06-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

Reading Housekeeping makes me depressed somehow. Or maybe it's simply because I've had a none-too-good day. Tsk.

Aww, shucks you go for personality and character blah blah blah? Don't bullshit. Lie to me and them, but please, not yourself. Ultimate superficial and shallow.

Well, it is a fact that I need you more that you need me. So every time you ask me what's wrong, I'm sorry but you can't expect me to tell you that Ashley needs you. Duh, you don't need me around cos I'm just a - to you! Maybe I'll just stop talking to you for a while so I won't feel so inadequate. I'm egotistic, so there. It's not you, it's just me...

It is such times like these that words aren't enough. For all my English prowess, I can't put my really !@#$%& emotions into words. Incidentally, I'm not pms-ing (I think). Maybe it's cos I can't/won't/shouldn't/wouldn't/musn't talk to you for now. Eventually I will, I know. I care too much to let you go so easily.

Bottleneck pressure.

All The Right Moves In All The Right Places

2010-06-23T15:03:00.007+08:00

Gosh, study study study. It's getting pretty sian...

This leaves me speechless. She's mighty talented, like one of the few singers who sound so exceptional and unearthly singing live. She is pretty crazy and whacky (Alejandro kinda freaks me out) but she's still pretty awesome :D

Some men may follow me, but you choose death and company.

47 Years

2010-06-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

Dear ______,
It's been a long time since we last met. I feel like you just came home from a long holiday on the other side of the world. But it's good to have you back. On a side note, happy birthday. We haven't done this celebrating of birthdays in quite a while. I'm glad we'll be going out for your birthday dinner.
While you were absent, lots of things happened. It's a shame you weren't there to witness them; they mean so much to me. well, now that you're back, I really don't want you to leave, ever again. I'm growing up, no longer the little girl you used to know. I'd like for you to be around, even if you don't say anything.
Last night I dreamt that you were run down by a car and you died on the spot. The sheer terror and grief that seized me was unlike any other. Only last night did I realise your importance in my life. So it's true, that you don't know what you've got it until you lose it.
Once again, happy birthday. I've always loved you, no matter what you did/do.
God bless.

Love,
Ashley

Oh Dear

2010-06-17T03:17:00.002+08:00

This blog is kinda stale. Picture of me is from 2 years ago and I look absolutely different now. Well, the hair I guess. Features didn't change much... Random taggers who are so sweet but anonymous! And I'm terrible at guessing! It could be anybody, literally. Then there are the rather annoying blogshop taggers advertising their service on a space that's not even read by people! Looks like nothing can stop this swarm of earnest blogshop owners and such from covering every inch of cyberspace with their advertisements of their services. Hah. I don't even update often. But I will, soon, with a post about church camp 2010 (which was really wonderful).
Thank you, Kunnie bro for those late night hthts during church camp (: The only time I'll be able to do that will be when I shift to your area!!
On a side note, I'm glad I've kept this blog for 4 years (whoopee!) cos I have awesome fun reading my archives!! Some posts are pretty embarrassing whilst some are so thought-provoking it's hard to imagine I wrote them. Teehee. How much I've matured over the past 4 years. How much I've grown from an ugly duckling to an almost swan (if I may say so myself). How much my priorities have changed. How many different groups of close friends I've had. How many people have come and gone in my life. Just looking at how much difference a single year makes. Just go read March 2006, March 2007, March 2008, March 2009 and March 2010 and you'll see the immense difference. Indeed, change is the only constant.

Lord, let Your Word be on my mind 24/7.

Oh God Let Us Be A Generation That Seeks Your Face

2010-06-17T00:36:00.007+08:00

Back from a most awesome church camp. Thank God for the most wonderful breakthrough so far in my life. And I got fresh directions for my life! Not very pleasant, but I'm thankful for God's reassurance that He most definitely has plans for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future.
Went one day earlier with Uncle Ricky and family. Didn't do much for the extra day there except to help Andy out with the preparations for the welcome games the next day. It was total deja vu since last year's church camp was also held at Renaissance and Andy also did the welcome games and almost the same group of people helped him!

At this point of time, I'd like to say that...
BOBBY STINKS LIKE MADDDD!!!
Daddy, your doggie (okay, the family's) needs a bath!!

Anyhoo, I digress. That night was the only night I slept early. Teehee. Church camp, whaddya expect!! It's the only time I get to see precious church people at 1am in the morning!! (: Found the time to study Richard III and a bit of Econs. Woohoo. Ohhh, this happened as Denise, Tina, Andrea and I were walking back to hotel by ourselves after dinner outside:

*rat runs in front of Denise and Ashley*
Denise: OH!!
Andrea (behind): *SCREAMS!!!!!!*
Tina (behind): *SCREAMS!!!!!*
*all the uncles at the adjacent coffee shop stare*
Tina: Eh, Andrea, why you scream ah? I scream cos you scream...
Ashley: HAHAHAHAH!

Andrea and I had to sleep in the same bed cos our room only had a queen-sized bed!! We had the customary blanket fight... Teehee. Our room was directly opposite Mum's but it wasn't connected! Which was super duper good cos Andrea and I get privacy and yet can go over any time to ask for food and such! Best of both worlds!

Day 1
Woke up bright and early for breakfast in the hotel. Gosh, breakfast was really really really good!! I had at least 4 different kinds of cheese (I absolutely love cheese)! After breakfast, went up to level 7 where the main ballroom is located to help Andy with the last bit of preparation for the welcome games as well as a briefing. Found out that the coaches would be delayed so we had time to play around!
Coaches arrived, welcome games were played. Super hilarious. I took and step back and surveyed the ordered chaos and thought: this is where I'll always want to be; with God's people. It's such a pity this year will be the last church camp. The following years will be at cluster levels which is fun too, but I'll miss all the uncles, aunties and babies!! Especially because I'm from Uncle Eng Kiat's (then Uncle Jeffery Ang's) cluster so I know plenty of uncles and aunties... And now, in this new cluster where I find I don't know a lot of people!! Pretty intimidating to know that I'm one of the youngest in the cluster.
After welcome games, everyone was given their rooms and the Dancing Queens (TYS' idea!!) had a briefing in my room, regarding an impromptu performance with the last talent time item, as well as night rehearsal and attire. Things were looking up. The first ever practice Dancing Queens had was a disaster and I was very discouraged. Thank God everyone persevered on to put on a dance item so spectacular I'm still floored every time I watch the video (:
Dinner dinner after that. Gosh I was so hungry!!!
Sermon with Pastor Michael Ross Watson who's speaking at BC's church camps for the third time in a row! He's seriously funny (HAHAH, oxymoron!!) and very engaging. He spoke on the book of Nehemiah which was very insightful.
Dance practice soon after!! I was very thankful for this dance practice which really helped everyone, especially Tim, Joseph and Sharon, to cement the steps into their heads (: I'm sorry I lost my temper a lil cos I was tired and really really needed your cooperation...
Supper with Kun, Owen, Denise, Alvin, Tina and Andrea at the mighty cheap prata shop we had supper at last year!
I think I slept rather early that night... Hmmm. I don't remember...
Oh! I do remember Kun telling me later on that I sleep-called him!!! What! Sleep-talk, yes. Sleep-walk, why not. But sleep-call????!!!! Apparently, I called him to ask where Andrea was. Which was super weird cos Andrea went up to the room already whilst I went up with Kun to his room cos I was playing Tap Tap Dance for him (thank me!). So after seeing him to his door, I went back down to the room where Andrea already was!!! I absolutely don't recall calling him to ask where Andrea was. Goodness gracious, something I didn't know I could do!!

Day 2
Woke up bright and early (again) for solitude time and morning prayer. Solitude time was really good. I should really start doing regular solitude time, and pray that I'll have the discipline to stick to it, despite an extremely hectic JC life. Talked to God about fresh directions for the next half of 2010. It was really fantastic, sitting on the piano bench where no one else existed for that hour or so except for God and me. Morning prayer and then breakfast!! Gosh, I realise I get really excited whenever I mention food on my blog. Teehee.
Sermon sermon sermon which was super funny again (: CK duty after that with the children I have a love-hate relationship with. Teehee.
Lunch!! Some Vietnamese food which wasn't very Vietnamese-sy though.. Oh well. Cluster bonding after that where we had to design Facebook pages for different people. Rested for a while then technical run for talent time in the main hall plus last minute rehearsal. I was super excited cos everyone was in top form (: Sermon after that and I was so excited I couldn't sit still. And I was mighty hungry.
Talent time (finally...)!! First item was CK dance with the kids and Karen, Tina, Grace and Andrea. Jump jump jump, turn in circle, shake shake shake, pant pant pant. Gosh, I'm getting too old for such high-energy dances!! Many other interesting items like a violin piece, traffic light boys, R5 and so on. Aww heck, you know all I want to talk about is my item. HAHAH.

Group photo!! Bottom to top, left to right: Sharon, Grace, Andrea, Sheryl, ChengHoon, Ashley, Denise, Tina, Benedict Wee, Jedrek, Kenneth See, Joseph Yap, Owen, YongSiang and Tim

Girls only. Love how our coloured tops make the picture look so Korean picture perfect!! Left to right: Grace, Ashley, Denise, Tina, Andrea, Sheryl, Sharon

Boys only. Somehow, they're glowing!! Bottom to top, left to right: Elliot (HAHAH), Joseph Yap, Owen, ChengHoon, Tim, Benedict Wee, Kenneth See, YongSiang and Jedrek

Aww, I'm sorry I'm the wrong girl, Ian Lim!!! HAHAH.

Traffic light boys! Left to right: Stanley, Scuter, Kevin. Attached, pending and single!! Hahah.

I had so much fun on stage despite a screw-up but aww, heck. Boys' part was extremely well-done, I'm so proud of you boys!!! :D Hahah, those who initially didn't want to join lost out big-timeeee!! Okay, talent time overrrr and there was jamming session!! Sang a birthday song for Kevin when it was midnight (:
Htht with Kun at night :D It was then that I found out I sleep-called him -.- Talked till 2am plus in the hotel lobby. I can't remember exactly how this hilarious incident happened but it probably went something like this:

Kun (leaning against doorjamb): Go to sleep ah, then tomorrow can wake up early for solitude time.
Ashley: Okay okay, you very naggy, you know (struggling to swipe card to open door)
*door swings open a bit but closes again*
Kun: I go first ah (walks away but is held back)
Ashley: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (at 2am in the morning!)!!!!!! YOUR JACKET IS STUCK!!!! HAHAHAH!
Kun: Wah lao, don't laugh and just open the door!!
Ashley: HAHAHAH OKAY! (tries to open the door but can't because she's laughing so hard)

Okay, now that I read what I type, it doesn't seem so funny. Oh dear...

Day 3
Solitude time and morning prayer. The day always feels awesome when it starts with God (: Breakfast breakfast breakfast!! Sat at this table with a family who has 3 girls who all went to PL!! One of girls was involved in the cluster bonding, and I remember staring at the girl thinking, I've seen her before, otherwise, she's from PL. PL girls, especially the pedigree ones (HAHAH, I mean, from primary school to secondary school), have a certain look and a certain behaviour. Hard to explain but it's easily seen.
Another hilarious sermon after that about being a leader. Super applicable!! Workshop time thereafter and I was stupefied to find out I am the youngest there. Gosh, that hasn't happened in the longest time!!
Free time after that, yay!! Out to Jonker ~~Street~~ Walk (it's 'walk', according to Daddy) with Denise, Kun, Owen and Alvin. Had a great time with them although I'm the littlest there (again). Overrated chicken rice balls and chendol for lunch. Helped the Amazing Race people, pitied them (cos they were running around in the blistering heat), bought a striped romper (yay) and some sweet that Daddy likes, window-shopped, complained about tired legs and the heat before heading back to hotel to shower. Monopoly Deal in Denise's room after that (: I think this is the first year I spent so little money during free time. Most of my money is usually gone after free time cos of the amount of shopping I bring back. First year not going to Mahkota Parade too. It's alright, I still had a good time without air-conditioned spaces and branded goods :D
Dinner dinner with the same group and then sermon which was the most impactful one. Made the decision to put God's Word as the center of my life, my first priority, that it'll be the first thing I think of when I wake and on my mind throughout the day till I go to sleep.
A mighty fun praise and worship session after that!! Super super fun dancing, singing and lifting my hands in the presence of God with all His People. I was absolutely shagged and perspiring all over. But I had the time of my life :D
Soccer and Monopoly Deal in Kun's room after that. I realised my nights are pretty tame for this church camp... No prank calling, no staying up till sunrise, no bizarre, crazy action. Hmmm.

Day 4
Home home home after breakfast breakfast. Teehee, okay I should stop the repetition. Took a step back and sat in a corner to reflect on the happenings this whole church camp and I'm mighty thankful for so many sweethearts. It's peculiar that I spend 80% of my week in school and yet I'm still closer to church mates. You guys are one of the few constant things in my life, please don't leave!!
Lunch at some coffee shop with awesome dim sum. The youth table ate and ate and ate and ate, and the total bill came up to RM$300 plus only. There were about 25 people eating! Goodness gracious, so cheap and good! Shopping at Bukit Indah after that, A&W for dinner. Bought a bag and undergarments. Sheesh, not much shopping at all this whole church camp. Home-ed soon after, thank goodness. I was mighty tired and anxious to get back to my computer to settle Project Work, Grad Night and class barbecue stuff.

So that was how I spent my 5 days in Malaysia :D No more church camps, only cluster camps from now on ): Awwww. Church camps always remind me of my dream of having a ginormous house where all (then) Gen Acts people stayed in. And I remember having a dream where all BC-ers stayed in a Hogwarts-lookalike place and they gave me a birthday present I had to go look for by myself in the giant house. I found it in a cupboard. It was a shiny red Lamborghini. HAHAHAH that's why it's a dream!!!

No more tears, no more reminiscing.
I'm moving forward, I won't look back.
I'm not even thinking of the box of bittersweet treats that made me so happy.
No more.
I won't apologise anymore.

And I Hurt Myself By Hurting You

2010-06-04T00:12:00.004+08:00

To be hard and cruel and unfeeling. Not an easy task, you know. Don't think that it takes nothing on my part to be that way. I apologies that things have to be this way. I never wanted it to conclude like that. It's the constant dilemma I have over doing what I want and what is right. I won't look back. I'll just stare at your silhouette in the rear view mirror, that grows smaller and sadder as I drive away.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all.
Thank you.

Someday we'll find it, that rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me us.

Run Devil Run

2010-05-28T16:31:00.003+08:00

Do you ever think when you're all alone, all that we were, how much more than we could have been?

I'd like to see you come crying to me when it's all said and done. I'll listen and advice and give you my shoulder to cry on. But the unspoken I told you so is gonna hang like black shroud over our conversation. I am correct 99% of the time, and you know it. It's gonna be something you're gonna regret.

Rotting at home on a Vesak Day. Too late to tell you I wanna go out with you. Awww.

We Will, With God's Help!

2010-05-26T22:49:00.003+08:00

Cos that's what I'll do: stand by you, no matter what. It's almost stupid and senseless, the loyalty and faithfulness I give you. You don't deserve it, you can't reciprocate

It's disappointing, and yet, not personally. Hmmm. I feel disillusioned and rather vexed. I turn my back for a short while and bang, like a huge yellow school bus, your news hits me. Well, you could say I asked for it. Tsk. It really does get annoying being correct 99% of the time.

If I can just get through tomorrow, I'll have time to sleep, eat and date people. Maybe even blog properly and get some proper shopping done. So looking forward to a well-deserved break that involved serious studying (: Church camp talent time is something else to handle... Dayum, I should stop committing to so many things at one go. Pearl S. Buck wrote: "The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible -- and achieve it, generation after generation." Sorry, studying GP now. Hahah. So when I look back, I'm gonna wonder and stone for a while, trying to figure out how I managed to juggle so many things at one go. Teehee.

GP paper, here I come!!!!

Break Away

2010-05-23T23:26:00.003+08:00

Lord, You've blessed me with favour in so many areas. I pray that You will help me to manage these responsibilities that have come with the favour. Sometimes I feel the tasks are too enormous and too tough to handle. Grad Night has to be a success because it will be my personal gift to the 32nd for their effort and help to the 33rd. Project Work is an important subject that I want to do well in. I pray that You will give me the strength and wisdom to handle and head these issues well, to have awesome time management. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

I know it's really terrible to say this but I'm heartened to know you chose wrongly. That I was better (subjective, I know, but I'm speaking in general). You lose!!!

Oh my geeeee, PW mates are so not being cooperative. I don't mind being sai kung warrior but I didn't expect to take up the job so early into the project!! People not listening, no initiative, people being uncontactable, not submitting work on time. I really want to do well for this subject and I'm putting in my 110% (though I don't know where this will come from with 150% going to Grad Night, 150% to Alpha and 200% for studies) so can you guys put in at least 100%?

This is terribly overwhelming. June hols will be a good break from this all.

I Love SAJC 32nd Student Council

2010-05-20T22:45:00.002+08:00

Today was an especially happening day today due to many many events going on, namely:
1. 32nd's stepping down (sob, sob!)
2. Nanyang Investiture with Ping Woo
3. Cheering for boys' soccer finals against MJC

The 32nd's stepping down is such a sad sad sad thing. They don't get to wear their badges or blazers anymore, perform services for the school e.g. flag raising, blazer rental, and they gotta hand their reputation, hard work and effort to us, the 33rd, who may or may not be able to carry on their legacy. The uncertainty, the inevitable bittersweet end and the gazillion wonderful memories made every of the 32nd and 33rd exco cry like babies. When my turn comes, I probably would too.
Gave my present (hand-decorated shoes) to Joel, my wonderful OGL and predecessor for Grad Night. Thank you for being such a sweetheart and wonderful friend (: Will you stop calling me a man!

Nanyang's Investiture was interesting. Went with Mr. Tan Ping Woo, who reserved a place to go for this particular investiture wayyy in advance cos his girlfriend's in that council!! So sweet, no? Anyhoo, made our way there in our whites (eeyer, psuedo PAP outfits) in the sweltering heat. And we still needed to put on our suitable-for-winter-conditions blazers. Bleah. Being ushered into the blessedly cool air-conditioned library was such a tremendous relief.
Met a lot of friends, friends of friends and friends of friends of friends!! Hahahah, that was rather fun to type! Anyhoo, Elizabeth Tan Seok Hui, my awesome friend of 11 years since Primary 1 (we took the same school bus to school for 6 years!) and Valerie Wang, my ex-netball teammate are both in NY's 33rd Council! (: Met one of Deborah's really good friends; had a great time talking to her too. Met 2 Marist boys who know Denzel. Shan't comment on that. Teehee. There are quite a few others but I can't remember...
Left soon after refreshments to go back to school for cheering for boys' soccer finals.

Cheering was mad good. It was out last cheering for the sporting season; next time we do cheering will be during Orientaion 2011. I wanted it to the best cheering ever so I gave it my all and really threw myself into cheering enthusiastically. Hopefully the crowd doesn't think I'm a loony, screaming into the loudhailer, jumping up and down throughout the match and giving banshee-like shrieks during tense moments. 32nd was in the crowd, and it motivated me even more to put in my best effort.
Although the boys lost 2-1, I felt it was a great fight that the Saints put up and there was great sportsmanship displayed throughout the game (: It was an awesome and memorable game to store away in the "Cheering Memories" folder in my brain. I wanna get to know a soccer boy so he can teach me all those neat tricks!
Soccer with Irwin, Wei Ren, Adam, Christopher and Gerald after getting back to school. Had loads of fun playing but I wore the wrong shoes. It hurt like a biatchhhhh when I kicked the ball really hard. Then I did a rather stupid thing:

*Wei Ren tosses in ball*
Gerald: Ashley! Header!
*Ashley goes for it and meets the ball head on*
Ashley: Ouchhhh. Why does it hurt so bad??
*Touches head*
Ashley: Oh damn. My hairband. Owwww ):

It was superrrrrr fun and I wish we could have played longer but it was getting really dark and visibility was really poor; Gerald really wasn't visible!! HAHAHAH. He's Chinese but seriously seriously seriously dark and Malay-looking! Guys, we really need to play together more often so I can improve and play for you guys in council matches!! (:

So all in all, I spent 20 minutes in Econs tutorial before leaving for 32nd's stepping down and two-thirds of a PE lesson taking 2.4 timings. That's all I did for lessons today!! HAHAHAH, missed much, didn't I.

She Wasn't Sure What It Could Do; There Were Thousands To Be Fed

2010-05-17T22:08:00.004+08:00

Your behaviour is so terribly inappropriate and taboo. I'm still quite overcome with disgust and cannot fathom how you can still be such a hypocrite and mouth the words of hymns.

Sometimes I secretly wish for a female best friend. Someone who knows me inside out, who I can talk to about boys, complain about the time of the month, go shoe and lingerie shopping, dance, sing and pray together. It's an impossible ideal and I can only fantasize about realising that distant dream. I seem to only have "normal" friends in school. Never been able to fully open up to anyone for that matter, save for a handful here and there. Even then, I don't think any one of them know the full sordid details of my sorry existence. Not that anyone would want to...

Been super busy and I can't believe we're hitting the halfway mark of 2010. Seemed just a few weeks ago that I received the dramatic news (refer to post 27 January 2010)that I will be attending Saint Andrew's Junior College. Then it ws the super fun orientation with Auryon people, most memorably, OG 8 and Joel. After that, it was the very slack and almost fun only-lecture time table with the interviews for student council. Got through that, started normal lecture-tutorial timetable and attended the selection camp, which was not as scary as I thought it would be. Campaigning and bonding with the classmates, thanking God for a wonderful tutor. Leadership training camp and first exams in JC. Crazy late night commendation rehearsals and more studying and getting into the routine of JC life.
I gotta remember to take a step back and treasure these moments. The photo-taking, the cheering, the pranks, the quarrels, the rushing of homework, the PE lessons, the laughter and sleeping in classes. I don't want these 2 years to fly by and cry when I look back, because I never treasured the 33rd, 32nd, 10A05 and the many others in school.

I remember when I performed as an actress for the first time during Easter last year. Allan picked me up from Novena on that Sunday morning, and as I sat in the car with him for the 15 minute car ride to Singapore Expo, he played this song Five Loaves And Two Fishes by Corrinne May. I've never heard the song before that but at that moment, it was the song I needed to hear, what I needed to know, that I wasn't doing it all by my own strength; I was uncertain because I'm a greenhorn and amateur, why was I given such a big role in the production?? The song spoke to me of how God is strong only when I am weak, that He can take whatever I have and multiply it. He can do beyond what I possibly ask or imagine, according to His Purpose. True enough, as I stepped onto the stage, I wasn't very conscious of what I was doing. Someone else was moving me and I felt exactly like the vessel that God is using to touch the many people seated in the hall, eyes on me. Thank you, Allan, for the wonderful song.

Right now, it's telling me that I need to let Jesus take the wheel; in my studies, in my council term, in my friendships, in my life as a living testimony for Him. I'm not too proud of some things I've done in my life; the skeletons in my closet are too big to hide. It's overwhelming, but with Your Help, I'll get through this difficult period (:

I'm looking forward to church camp a lot (: Except that there seems to be a lot of people who won't be going, namely, Kun, Ann, Donovan and Dominic. Awwww, people are a huge part of my life and I don't like being without them... Tsk. Anyhoo, will be away from 10th to 14th June in Malacca. I wanna go shopping, early morning prayers, hthts, being in God's presence, TALENT NIGHT (look out for something epic this year! *winks*) and of course the FOOD!! Durian night especially, wahahahah for people like Karen Tan and Sheryl Tan who don't appreciate durians!

Pushing you to the back of my mind.
I don't want this to end on a bad note.

Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner

2010-05-13T23:03:00.003+08:00

I am so absolutely disgusted by how you are degrading yourself in such an unnatural, controversial and taboo fashion. I don't know what you think you're doing now but this is not something you should be doing, and deep down inside, you know it. Is your life that screwed that you have to stoop to such means and options to find your identity, to define yourself? Have you not the maturity to make proper decisions, that are right before God and men? This stupid stupid STUPID thing you're doing is bringing you down. You get yourself out of it, or I bring in others to pull you out whether you want to get out or not.

My gawd, I have never been so damn traumatized in my entire 17 years. This is beyond shocking and unacceptable. I can't even put it into words.

[To the one who's dreams are falling all apart]
[And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart]

She was tired. Looking ahead at the track, the distance she still needed to run, she bent down and rested her palms on her knees as she tried to even out her breathing. Again, she raised her head to look towards the finish line that loomed in front of her still some distance away.

Blowing out a quick breath, she straightened up and started running again, keeping her eyes on her goal.

[I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own]
[But you're not all alone]

As she ran, her eyes fell from the race's end and looked instead at the ground under her moving legs. She strained, struggled to take oxygen into her needy lungs. Her tired arms and sore legs moved on their own accord, screaming at the pain they felt. She almost gave in, wanting to stop.

[Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas]
[Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet]
[With a love so strong He'll never let you go]
[Oh you're not alone]

Every time she looked around her, there was no one. The land was barren save for her running hard to get to the finish line. There was no one watching her, no one waiting for her, no one cheering her on to complete her race. She was utterly alone.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
['Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart]

She was on the verge of giving up. There was no motivation for her to run further, nothing to encourage her to finish the run she had started.

[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]

Her stride was broken as she tripped over an unseen rock in the near-darkness in her path. Falling down, her knees skidded onto the cold, hard ground. Her hands broke part of her fall, but she ended up lying down, heavily panting on the deserted road. The view of the ground blurred as something hot trickled down her cheeks.

[You will be safe in His arms]

A pair of arms came around her as she was crying, sobbing on the ground. Looking up, a familiar, warm face smiled back at her as she was placed back onto her feet.

"Daddy," the little girl whispered softly as she sniffed and wiped her own tears away.

There were no arms to lift her up now. Instead, a warm breeze blew through, drying her tears up. It seemed to push her forward, threatening to blow her away if she did not run in the direction it beckoned her to. Regaining part of her strength, she stood up and continued at a slow jog.

[Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life]
[Is the very same voice that calls you to rise]
[So hear Him now He's calling you home]
[You will never be alone]

The wind blew gently in her ear, as if whispering to her as she ran down the road.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
['Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart]

As she ran, she felt a spark ignite somewhere deep inside her. A light was lit in the darkness, trying to find its way out.

[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]
[You will be safe in His arms]

Slow confidence came with the longer strides she took as she covered more distance. The small spark of fire burned just a little brighter, expelling the darkness.

[These are the hands that built the mountains, the hands that calm the seas]
[These are the arms that hold the heavens]
[They are holding you and me]

Now, the warm winds were blowing harder, pushing her towards the finish line. She could see rocks and boulders in her path of travel, but the flame now roared inside of her, the light filling her eyes and allowing her to see. Her eyebrows furrowed in determination as the wind practically picked her up and carried her as she leapt over the tall rocks, not one of them touching her feet.

Just a few feet further, the veil in front of her eyes were lifted. No longer was the land around her deserted, no longer was she alone. People were all around her, cheering her on as she sprinted towards the end of the race. There it was, the finish line.

[These are hands that healed the leper]
[Pulled the lame up to their feet]
[These are the arms that were nailed to a cross to break our chains and set us free]

The cloud of darkness was lifted, and the fire inside of her raged to an almost threatening degree. It burned inside of her heart, urging her on as the wind carried her feet and crossing the finish line. Cheers exploded around her, and from every direction, people she knew and loved ran towards to her envelope her in their arms. Laughter sounded in the air, and as she looked up into the sky, she could see someone smiling down at her.

Her heart leapt with joy, and a radiant smile came from her, responding to the person who looked on her with love. The wind blew again, caressing her arms as if someone was there, holding her tightly.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
[The hands that hold the world are holding your heart]
[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]

[You will be safe in His arms]

If Need Be, I Will Marry Myself

2010-05-04T23:09:00.002+08:00

If I ever find Prince Charming, and find out that I'm actually going to be a princess will be the day pigs will fly, the sky will fall and I will no longer call myself 'boyish'.

The girl who eats B&J's and cries while watching Up. The girl who cannot resist dancing in a thunderstorm with a redundant transparent umbrella. Who thinks that children, no matter what age, who hold their parent's hand are cute. Who knows you and you and you and especially you by smell. Who goes everywhere and anywhere, and yet, where does she really belong?

Maybe the reason why I like Housekeeping so much is because I absolutely aspire to be a transient like Sylvie. To never be fettered by change or convention. To live for the present and ignore the future. To be able to do the next whimsical thing that pops into my head and never care about what others' say or think. To wreck destruction and havoc and not be too bothered about the mess I'll have to clear.

One day I'll get this nonsense straight. I'll find out why you behave like this, why you constantly doubt me and whatever I say. Why you can be so sensitive to the less important issues yet completely ignorant of what really really matters. I'll find out why you chose that path. What may have happened if you stayed on the path with me. Why you were so compelled to leave. Was it really so easy to let go, to leave it all behind and turn your back on the one who's always been there for you? I'll find out why you are so darn weak. How you think, what you think before you do anything. Why you can't just leave well enough alone.

Oh Don't Read This. It's Nonsense, Seriously.

2010-04-16T18:18:00.003+08:00

Why oh why did you have to do that? Weren't we doing fine the way before? Frankly, you must be blind because there is nothing that you should ever like. Ahh, it's so much simpler to maintain status quo, you know. I'll never have to worry about what I say or what I do because it shouldn't matter too much to you. But now it does, and I really don't want it to. It's annoying because I'm so used to speaking whatever's on my mind but now I can't. Can you conrol yourself, just as I am doing? I told you I never will, not now at least. Anyhoo, after ______ 's story that day, I'm pretty sure I'll never be permenantly tied down. So don't bother about me; it's really not worth it.

So here I am, destined to live alone. I guess I'd like to get married some day and have kids but now I'm really certain I'll never be able to do that. Simply because I'm wayyyy too eccentric, particular and crazy. It just strikes me as a tiny bit depressing. Prolly will have some boyfriends here and there, but I'll never be able to totally give my heart away because I know it'll never work out. Dayum, then I might as well not even get a boyfriend. I'll be playing with his feelings anyway, as he probably will be doing as well. I seem to have lost hope in the Y chromosome and if I ever have the urge to fall for a tall boy with long lashes, good skin and good teeth, I'm gonna trnasfer my affections to a) a kitty, b) new dresses or c) a new handbag.
Feelings. Such trivial and unreliable stuff that causes people to commit suicide or skip and run about thinking that the sky is bluer and the grass is greener (i.e. "I'm in love"). Pfft. Can't trust them, don't wanna feel them. They make me think he likes me and hey, maybe I like him. This angsty teen shit is really hell. Sometimes I wish I would go to sleep now and wake up 10 years later with all this shit behind me already, well into adulthood. Wouldn't that be nice.

I believe all this nonsense is coming out due to pms. Tsk. Pardon me. The rare update that I do and this happens. JC life is hectic. No time to blog at all!

Having An Ambition Is The Start. Fulfilling The Ambition Is The End. What You Do In Between Determines Whether Ambition Becomes A Vice Or A Virtue.

2010-03-19T22:11:00.003+08:00

Due to the crazy requirements of JC life plus Council (yes, I'm in Student Council if you didn't know. Teehee), Ashley will not be blogging very often (awwww...) unless, 1. She gets an iphone or 2. She gets a tablet pc.

Council camps have been absolutely crazy but it's the kind of memory that will be the most long-lasting because of the stupid hellish things the 33rd went through together as a Council. The pumpings, scoldings, perspiration, tears, despair, triumphs and muscle aches make everything so unforgettable. Screwed up as it sounds, I've come to cherish it. If I find time, I'll blog about Seeds Of Perseverence (picking up beans scattered all over the floor of a lecture theatre in the dark), walking to Sentosa from Potong Pasir, 750 wave punping+accumulation pumping and the stink of the dorms, especially in the guys' bunk!!!

If You Have A Life, Student Council Will Take Away Your Life. If You Don't Have A Life, Student Council Will Give You A Life

2010-03-01T23:19:00.004+08:00

My 333rd post. 333 is my favourite number!! (:

I've survived Student Council Selection Camp so I'm one step closer to becoming a student councillor. Camp was pretty hellish but I owe it to netball training for making it through. 1900+ push ups completed in a span of 28 hours. Everyone, including girls, did male style push-ups. By the way, I have no idea how to do a proper female push-up; I can do 30 without going breathless and anyway, my knees hurt when I do female push-ups, so I rather do male ones.
No offence, but I feel the guys in my year are pretty weak. I end up supporting guys while they do push-ups. What ever happened to male chivalry and the strength that men represent? Imma girl and I'm surviving better than you. What's this man...

MSAs on right now and I'm just whacking any-oh-how. Told my mum to be prepared for bad results. Plus I'm gonna be missing holiday lessons due to Student Council Leadership Training Camp. Basket lah. I hateeeeeeeeeeee missing lessons...

Won't be blogging much due to a hectic life or rather, no life... Tsk. Will finally be getting my own laptop due to the crazy amount of work to be done online. YAY (: Plus an iphone. Even though I hate touchscreen qwerty. Teehee.

Anyhoo, I loveee 10A05. I really do (:

Safe by Phil Wickham

2010-02-23T15:33:00.003+08:00

To the one whose dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left is with a tired and broken heart
I can see from your eyes you think you're on your own
But you're not alone

Have you heard of the one who can calm the raging seas?
Give sight to the blind
Pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong it never lets you go
Oh, you're not alone

You wil be safe in His Arms
You will be safe in His Arms
Cos the Hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He makes:
He will be with you always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His Arms

Did you know that the Voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you now to rise?
So hear Him now
He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the Hands that built the mountains
The hands that calm the sea
These are the Arms that hold the heavens
They are holding you and me
These are the Hands that healed the leper
Pull the lame up to their feet
These are the Arms that were nailed to the cross
To break our chains and set us free.

This is the song that I'm dancing to for Life Concert, an evangelistic event in SAJC. It's a contemporary dance and by God's grace, I was able to dance gracefully. Shocked myself cos I know so I ain't no graceful dancer. I really want to be part of this Life Concert and I really pray Student Council stuff won't keep clashing with it... Assuming I do get into Student Council in the first place. Ahh I'm not looking forward to the Selection Camp for Student Council. Going there to get tortured man.

Take risks. That's why it's called "falling in love" and not "walking into love".

21st December 2012

2010-02-21T17:47:00.004+08:00

Gosh I miss blogging! Haven't been blogging in ages... I do apologise for the lack of reading material. Teehee.

Don't think this post will be one about my pretty mundane life in SAJC. I know so I've been going on and on and on about my time there blah blah blah, so if you wanna know, give me a call cos I love receiving calls! (:

Anyhoo, see that date as the title? That's the day that the Mayan calender predicts the earth will end. Their advanced knowledge of astronomy, quote the video, enabled them to make such predictions. Apparently, they claim that on that ominous date, the earth and the sun will align with the middle of the Milky Way, a black hole; a phenomenon that occurs once every 26 000 years. This cosmic alignment will cause the earth's mantle, that is, the earth's crust or surface, to shift in such a way that the North and South pole will switch positions. This movement will be extremely rapid, causing numerous earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and basically, a disastrous catastrophe that the Mayans believe equate to the end of the world.
My take on this whole thing is from Matthew 24.

"Therefore, keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect Him."
-- Matthew 24:42-44

While everyone is going on and on about how the world is going to end on this particular date, I'd rather not be bothered by the date. Instead, I should and will keep watch; be prepared so that I am not caught off guard on the day of the Lord's return. I think that with everyone predicting the world will end on 21/12/2012, all the more, Jesus will not come on that day because it is clearly said in the Bible that He will come at an hour when you do not expect Him. But for sure, everyone will see His Coming, and every person on earth will know; "For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man" Matthew 24:27. Okay I know so there are many other parts of the Bible that talk about the end of the ages, but I'm a lil lazy to pull out my sermon notes on the topic. Heh. Anyhoo, I ain't gonna worry and fret about when the world is ending (okay, except considering the fact that I may never get married or have kids...) cos I'm gonna be prepared so that Jesus can come anytime (:

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
-- Matthew 6:19, 21

“ The truth is hard. The truth is awkward, and very often, the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth, but do they really? ”

12 Days Of Ris-mas

2010-02-15T15:46:00.003+08:00

I am seriously appalled. Do all people with the Y chromosome watch porn? I am absolutely disgusted.

CNY has been quite alright so far. Except for the fact that I'm down with really bad sore throat (Ann I know how you feel!) and I got an eye stye for the first time. It hurts damn a lot ): Oh plus slight musble aches from stupid canoeing training. Alamak.
Ang pow pickings this year have been relatively alright (: Damn that was so superficial.

On the 12th day of Ris-mas my true love gave to me:
12 months probation,
11 day safari,
10 ads from sponsors,
9 English lessons,
8 khaki gins,
7 credit cards from 6 different people,
5 lepard preens,
4 giveness,
3 piece bigini,
2 polar disorders,
and a diploma in hospitality.

I miss PL so damn much although SAJC is really fun too.

Ashley Doesn't Want To Join Canoeing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-10T17:19:00.003+08:00

PL girls look so damn good in SAJC uniform! Ahhh I miss PL very much. Think I'll go back on Friday for a while. Catch up with teachers and schoolmates as well as show off my chio uniform (:

School and lectures with Sean, Don and Ben have been great (: I really enjoy being with those guys, especially Lit lectures with Sean. I'm still waiting for the work load to hit me, the pressure, mugging, complaining etc. I kinda miss that...

*phone rings. Andrea picks up.*
Andrea: Jie, it's for you.
Ashley: Hello? I call you back later can? Bye bye!
Andrea: Ohhhhh I know who it is!!! Dominic!!
Ashley: Whattttt. No lorr.
It was Donovan -.-

Mum: .....chanting.
Ariane: Mummy, what's "chanting"?
Ashley: Rah rah ah ah ah, roma roma mah...

Off to prepare Chemistry notes for Dom!